You Must Answer These Questions Before Saying "I Do"
Getting married soon? Congratulations! You surely know everything there is to know about each other… right? If you haven’t yet discussed some key areas and figured out what you are willing to compromise on, you may want to do that as soon as possible. But what to ask? One study surveyed 2,500 people from 5 different cultures and found that couples fought the most about 4 key areas: money, intimacy, chores, and children/family.
This should not be a surprise, yet many couples do not fully discuss these matters before saying “I do,” leading to inevitable conflict down the road.
Here are the things you may want to ask, divided into those 4 areas. The questions in each category are meant to inspire your imagination for more inquiries. Be curious about one another. Don’t make assumptions about your partner’s needs and wants. Pour yourselves some wine, grab a pen and paper (you want to write down your compromises), and get ready for some heated discussions. Let’s dive in!
The Basics
Believe it or not, some people get married without asking these basic questions only to find out that their partner holds a diametrically opposite view on an important issue. Make sure you lay the foundation right: compromise on these foundational issues before moving further:
Money
Do you want separate or joint finances? If separate, who will be paying for what?
Who is responsible for paying bills on time/tracking finances/budgeting?
Who will file taxes?
Intimacy
Is sex something you enjoy?
How often do you want to be intimate?
What do you consider to be intimate other than sex?
Chores
Who will cook?
Who will do laundry?
Who will clean the house?
Family
Do you want kids?
How many kids do you want? If you don’t want kids, how will we handle birth control?
At what age do you want to have kids? If you don’t want kids, will we ever babysit for relatives? Get pets?
A Little Bit Harder
Now that you’ve got the basics covered, it is time to start asking some harder questions. Things may start to get a bit out of hand here as you discover that your partner’s opinions and beliefs are not what you expected. Stay calm and remember that you are a unit rather than two disconnected islands.
Money
How much debt, credit card or otherwise, is acceptable for you?
If we are having kids, what are the plans for paying for college? If not, do you foresee any other significant educational or other expenses in our future?
How much money do we want in savings?
Intimacy
What kind of sex do you enjoy? Vanilla, BDSM, etc.
What are your views on watching pornography, alone or together?
What are your views on masturbation?
Chores
How will we decide on what chores need to be done for the week and who does them?
What chores are you absolutely not willing to do?
What chores, if any, should we outsource to others? How long are we comfortable going without completing certain chores (for example, can you let dishes pile up for a day or is this a deal breaker?)
Family
Where will we spend what holidays?
How will we handle conflicts with the in-laws?
What are your views on loaning money to family, doing business with family, and involving family in our affairs?
Going Deep
This is no time to stop, you can go further and really get to know each other. Here, real vulnerability may start to show because we are talking about childhood experiences and shared dreams. Be gentle with each other and offer support to your partner if things get emotional.
Money
How and how much will we save for retirement? What is the method we will use to invest and who will handle it? Will we use a financial adviser?
How will we handle situations where one of us makes more than the other? What are our expectations for earnings and work if we want kids – will someone stay at home?
Do we agree to have full disclosure of our financial affairs at all times? How did your parents handle their finances? What did you learn from them?
Intimacy
How can we negotiate in areas where our needs, wants, and libidos don’t match? What are you willing to compromise on and what is off-limits?
Is bringing other people into our relationship ever an option? For sexual encounters, like swinging or for a romantic connection, like polyamory?
If sex is uncomfortable for you, is there a story behind it that you are willing to share? What kinds of messages did you receive about sex growing up?
Chores
Do you have any gender-based expectations about how to divide chores? If so, where did you learn them? Can you agree to un-learn them unless we are both comfortable with them?
What did your parents model for you regarding chores? What were your chores as a child?
How will the chores division change if one of us is sick or pregnant? Has to work overtime? Needs a mental health day?
Family
What was your childhood like? Is there anything you want to share where I may be able to provide unconditional support?
What will we do if one of your parents is ill and needs extra care? Will they live with us? In a home?
Is it OK for us to talk to our parents about our relationship troubles? How will we react if our parents put pressure on us regarding the relationship?
Optional But Enlightening
These questions do not fall neatly within any of the above categories, but you still may want to ask them to be sure that you are on the same page (or at least reading the same book!).
Do you want to travel? Where to?
How do you want to spend vacations?
What counts as infidelity (for example, texting another person vs holding hands vs kissing)?
How will we handle infidelity if it happens? Is it a deal breaker?
How much alone time do you need?
How much time do you foresee yourself spending at work?
How much time do you want to spend with your friends and without me?
If you have kids, what do you want to name them?
What pets do you want?
What is your desired living situation (house, apartment, etc.)?
What is your biggest goal in life?
How will you deal with the inevitable mid-life crisis?
How do you see us spending morning and evenings on a regular basis? Is there a particular routine?
Are you an early riser or a night owl?
If we are having kids, what kinds of punishment will be appropriate?
Are you exhausted by now? While this is not a full list, it should give you a good idea of where each of you stands on these core issues. You are off to a better start than most couples about to marry! Remember to stay curious about each other for the rest of your marriage. Don’t assume that your partner is the same person they were 5 years or even 5 months ago. Keep asking questions and staying attuned to each other – that’s key to maintain a strong emotional connection.
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