So, it’s come to this. Whether you just cannot take it anymore or you mutually think that the relationship should be over, letting go can be hard. You think of what was and what could have been as you wonder if this is at all your fault.

Sometimes ending a relationship can be a piece of cake, but other times it rips you up inside because it tugs on those strings of “Am I loveable?” and “Will I ever find someone?” To really know if you are doing the right thing, there are a few questions you should ask yourself. Unless you need to get out for reasons of safety or basic self-respect, it does not hurt to mull the decision over before

Should We Break Up In The First Place?

There are some reasons to break up that are non-negotiable. If you feel threatened, intimidated, or degraded in the relationship or if there’s been instances of infidelity that the cheater refuses to address, breaking up is a matter of safety and self-respect. A person who makes you feel awful about yourself is not the one. But what about situations that are not so clear-cut?

Am I Enjoying This?

Use simple tools at your disposal: start by making a pros and cons list of breaking up AND of staying together. Compare the cons of both decisions. Are you making excuses for your partner’s behavior as you read them (“he will change,” “she isn’t always like that,” etc.)? Does one list give you the heebie-jeebies when you read it?

Now look at the pros – which list feels better? Go with your gut, not your head on this one. Which one reflects the kind of life you want? The kind of environment you enjoy? What are you saying “Yes” to by breaking up?

You also want to compare your life before the relationship to your life now: has it improved? Do you feel more supported and accepted now than you felt back when you were single? Is daily life more or less enjoyable? What were you getting before that you are not getting now? Can you point to 3 ways in which you have grown as a person from this relationship?

Do Our Values and Goals Align?

Finally, it’s useful to do some daydreaming: imagine what you want your life to be in 5-10 years. Really go all out and dream big. Now, can you visualize your partner next to you, cheering you on in your pursuits and goals? Or are they left behind? Can you compromise on a future that fits both of you or is it a one-person show?

Consider values, too. Do your deeply held values align with theirs? Are you all about connection with others while your partner “hates people?” Do you crave accomplishment while your partner is happy sitting around playing video games non-stop?

While these may not be deal-breakers, they must be considered with the full picture. Sometimes future goals are simply incompatible: he wants to stay in his small town, and you dream of living abroad. If your partner does not fit into your framework of the present or vision of the future, breaking up may be the right decision.

Why Are We Breaking Up?

It’s important to know the “why” of this decision. Simply feeling “unheard” or “misunderstood” may not be a good enough reason, especially if you’ve been together for a while. These issues of communication and validation can usually be improved with tools like couples therapy and self-help. But if your “why” is “he doesn’t respect my opinions,” the decision becomes clearer.

You can journal about this and think about it in the shower or while you are on the treadmill. See what your brain conjures up. If you can make a long list of emotional injuries caused by your partner, can you see yourself forgiving them if they are truly contrite and make a strong effort to change? If you are bored, can you remember a time it wasn’t like this?

A Word Of Caution

Be careful if your only “why” is that the relationship will be better with another specific person you already know. You may be right, but you may also be falling into the trap of “relationship hopping.” This is when you see someone as better by comparison to your partner because you compare your partner’s flaws to the other person’s highlights.

“Cody would never be late like this!” you might huff as you wait – and you are right. But Cody is going to have his own bag of “tricks” aka traits that you find annoying. He may not be late, but he may hit the snooze button 7 times before getting up. Out of one pickle and into another. You may need to learn how to communicate and work with each other’s quirks instead of running away.

Can Our Relationship Be Fixed With Couples Therapy?

If you have been together for a while, especially if you are married, you may want to consider couples therapy. Fun fact: couples therapy can help you decide whether to break up or not. It’s called “discernment counseling,” and it’s generally geared towards people who are thinking about divorce. A good couples therapist will help you navigate troubled waters and make the best decision.

Couples therapy is almost a must if there are children involved. Look, there is no need to stay in a bad relationship for the kids, but you also want to be able to tell them that you’ve tried everything you could when they ask you about it later. Besides, the right couples therapist can help you learn how to co-parent without conflict and resentment if you do decide to divorce.

Bottom line, even a few sessions of couples therapy can help you see the forest for the trees. It is incredibly helpful to have a neutral third party who asks questions you may not think to ask or may not feel brave enough asking. A skilled couples therapist will never take sides but will let each of you express your needs and emotions.

How Do I Break Up Peacefully?

OK, the decision has been made. It’s official, you will be single soon. But how do you communicate this news to your unwitting partner? Being broken up with hurts, but it also hurts to do the deed. You may feel shame, guilt, anxiety, and a bit of anger. How do you do this without screwing it up?

Be Gentle

Whatever you do, don’t start listing your partner’s flaws and criticizing them. Use those good old “I” statements and show some empathy. “I understand it’s hard to hear this news, and I can see you are upset. Your reaction is valid, and I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.”

Be Honest

You can be honest if you are gentle. Once again, focus on what’s going wrong on your side of the street: “I feel unfulfilled, and I need to focus on myself for a while” is a perfectly reasonable way to communicate your stance. But you also don’t have an obligation to provide a reason.

Be Firm

There’s no going back now, not if you’ve truly explored the “why.” Be firm with your boundaries and remember that “no” is a full sentence. “I’ve thought this over, and I don’t see another way forward. I would appreciate it if we can focus on how to do this peacefully.”

Say It In Person

Do we even need to say this? Don’t break up over text, have some human decency. Unless there are issues of safety or self-respect, breaking up should be done in person, period. Even if your partner kind of sucks, they still deserve some basic respect.

Have An Exit Strategy

If you live together, where will you sleep that night? Will your partner leave the premises or will you? Do you have a long, awkward ride in the car after the break-up conversation? Are you able to exit swiftly without lingering? What happens to your pets? Belongings? Make a plan beforehand.

What Did I Learn From This Relationship?

If you do break up, this is a very important question to ask unless you want to repeat this cycle all over again. What insights into yourself do you have after being with this person? How have you grown and how can you do better next time? What were the red flags and how can you spot them easier in the future? Is there a particular cycle or pattern you notice throughout your relationships?

If you do not know yourself, you cannot fulfill yourself, personally or romantically. You may end up jumping from one fire and into another over and over again, which is a clear sign you need to do some soul-searching. Was it your childhood (probably…)? Was it your first relationship? Where did you learn how relationships are “supposed” to be? Answering these questions may make a huge difference in how you treat and are treated by partners.

Go In Peace

If you’ve considered everything in this post and were truthful with yourself, you should be ready to break up… or stay together, who knows? At the very least, you should have a clear idea of what to do before, during, and after a breakup. Ending a romantic relationship is not an easy thing to do but most of us end up doing it a few times throughout our lives. Having a roadmap can help you do it with grace and minimal negative consequences.

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Thinking About Breaking Up? Here's What To Consider