Open Relationships: Highlights and Pitfalls

Have you ever been curious about opening your relationship to include other people?

It used to be that monogamy was the only socially acceptable relationship structure out there. Traditionally, serious relationships are about the love between two people. It was about pledging to be faithful and loving only each other until death do you part.

Now, times are changing. More people are investing themselves in open relationships. These types of relationships are about the freedom to be with other people while still being serious about each other. Everything in the traditional relationship rulebook goes right out the window. You and your partner make your own rules.

While an open relationship can be good for those who do not want to conform to relationship traditional rules, it can be hazardous if the two of you are not on the same page.

Types of Open Relationships

There are many possibilities out there when it comes to bringing other people into your love life. Some partners choose to navigate this new experience together while others might keep their adventures separate. Either way, it’s important to know your options.

Swinging

 Usually restricted to sexual encounters, swinging is not just a preference, it’s a whole lifestyle with established communities all over the world. Swinging partners typically do not become romantically involved with people who “play” with them. Swinging also implies sharing or swapping partners, although it is also possible to play separately.

Polyamory

This word is most often used to describe open relationships, and it usually involves having significant relationships outside of your primary bond. Polyamorous people can and do get romantically involved with their secondary partners but not necessarily with their “metamours” or their primary partner’s lover(s).

Polyfidelity

Polyfidelity is when have several people agree to have sexual and romantic relationships only with other members of their established group. Polyfidelity partners typically have strong bonds with one another and may even live together in one household.

As the title implies, open relationships are not all milk and honey. There are plenty of ways in which they can go wrong. You really need to know what you are getting into – and be completely transparent with your partner in discussing these possibilities.

Here are the highlights and pitfalls of an open relationship to see if this is the right course for you.

Highlight #1 – Novelty

Opening up your relationship is bound to bring novelty and excitement into your life. Even a simple permission to flirt with other people can really spice up the mundane! Exploring your new partners and their personalities is a thrill that gives you plenty of dopamine and oxytocin (happy love hormones) to keep you floating above clouds.

Exploring your new partner’s body and touch can be even more exciting, whether you are doing it together as a couple or on your own. Not only is it an electric experience with a new person, it’s also bound to breathe new life into your primary relationship’s routine.

Highlight #2 – More Trust

In a monogamous relationship, there may be moments of self-doubt if you think your partner is going behind your back. A pulsing fear may occur about your partner leaving you for someone else. But in an open relationship, the two of you have already established that your partner is allowed to see other people.

You can trust that your partner will return back home to you, happy and fulfilled. You will not have to be afraid of infidelity occurring in your relationship if you and your partner are aware of what happens outside of the home. Of course, this only applies to open relationships gone right.

Highlight #3 – Less Jealousy

Jealousy may appear in a monogamous relationship. You could be giving suspicious looks whenever someone else looks or flirts with your partner. Jealousy can be very unhealthy in a relationship if you feel the need to question your partner’s actions or make accusations. Your stress levels could heighten every time you and your partner are on a date.

However, there is a good chance you will be less jealous of your partner if you know what to expect. You made it clear with your partner that they are free to see other people. Now that you have the answers of your partner’s activities, you will not have to question anything.

Pitfall #1 - An Excuse to Cheat

An open relationship can allow your partner to see each people without worrying about getting caught by their partner. Their partner is already aware of their activities outside of home, so there is no need to sneak around. But, could this just be an excuse for your partner to cheat and not feel guilty about it?

Yes, it’s possible to be unfaithful in an open relationship – it’s called disrespecting boundaries. You may choose to reserve romantic feelings or certain activities, especially sexual ones, for your primary partner. Not following this agreement would be cheating.

To avoid this pitfall, you must be absolutely clear and transparent while creating a plan for your new relationship structure. An ongoing honest conversation about boundaries is essential to your success.

Pitfall #2 – More Conflict

It’s harder to navigate and manage a relationship with more than two partners. If you did not plan your new adventure well or if you already had poor communication beforehand, it’s likely that you will have more conflict.

Avoiding difficult conversations is not a solution - you must learn how to navigate your new relationship. It’s best to do so peacefully. Needless to say, more fighting usually causes dissatisfaction, which can lead you right into Pitfall #3.

If you don’t have tools to properly manage conflict, consider getting some couples therapy - especially skills-based therapy like the Gottman Method – before opening up your relationship. At the very least, read a book or two about conflict management and make sure you feel ready.

Pitfall #3 - Falling for the Other Person - for Good

An open relationship is successful if your partner always manages to come home despite seeing other people. On the other hand, what happens if your partner falls for the other person they are seeing and wants to leave you?

Sometimes, your partner can fall in love with someone else unexpectedly. What started as having casual fun can end up being more serious. Needless to say, it would be heart-breaking if your love decided to be with someone else over you – forever.

Things could also hit a disappointing turn for your partner if the person they fall for does not feel the emotional pull your partner feels for them. The other person could just be looking for fun as well. This leaves you with a decision to make – do you try to make it work or do you walk away?

As you can tell, there are many ways an open relationship can go wrong, but there are also benefits that can make it the right choice for you. It’s not an easy decision but one that should be approached with care and caution.

If you already discussed the possibility of non-monogamy, start by sending this blog post to your partner. Ask them what they hope to accomplish and what their boundaries are. Be sensitive to their needs while being firm about your own. Make a list of pros and cons together. This conversation should be a multi-day affair, not a one-and-done type of thing.

If you are still unsure if an open relationship is right for you and your partner, couples therapy can give you an idea. We offer couples therapy at our offices, so feel free to contact us for your first appointment.