Can EMDR Therapy Help You Heal After Infidelity?

Do you think your relationship is over after discovering your partner is having an affair?

You never want to even think of this terrifying possibility. After all, you trusted your lover to stick with the same promise you made when you decided to become exclusive – or maybe even when you got married.

It can be a scary statistic, but around 25% of married men and 15% of married women admit to having an affair. And a whopping 70% of unmarried couples may have to face the pain of infidelity during the relationship. It’s no wonder that there is a divorce happening ever 36 seconds in the United States!

While it may seem like all hope is lost, couples can stay together after an affair if sufficient repairs are made. When partners affected by infidelity go to couples therapy, their odds of success are 60-80%. Still, addressing infidelity is daunting and can take a long time.

Well, do not fear because EMDR is here! Eye Movement Desensitization Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy is an eight-phase treatment method that lessens the trauma of memories. You may have trouble trusting anyone again or feel depressed when you think about the memory. By watching your therapist’s finger move back and forth in front of you, you will think of the memories in a different light.

“Isn’t EMDR mostly for trauma?” you might ask. Well, infidelity IS trauma. Let’s find out more...

Trauma From Infidelity

Depression and anxiety are very common for the faithful partner following the discovery of the infidelity. As a matter of fact, over 45% of people who go through infidelity develop PTSD-like symptoms. Interestingly, the unfaithful partner may experience difficult emotions, too. Guilt, shame, and self-loathing are common. Processing these feelings will make them better equipped to help their partner through the stress of healing.

The hurt partner could be experiencing shock at their partner’s actions as well as feeling manipulated and taken advantage of. Everything gets questioned, like where their partner was at certain times and if anyone else knew about the infidelity. Even if things are going well, the person keeps waiting for yet another betrayal.

The faithful partner is very likely to experience the following:

Hypervigilance

The faithful partner may be in a near-constant state of vigilance, paying attention to every micro expression, every new outfit, every change in tone of voice – anything that indicates that their partner may have strayed again. They might be extra suspicious, interpreting even innocent behaviors with a never-before-seen jealousy. This behavior can make the situation worse because the unfaithful partner is bound to get defensive.

Hypervigilance also involves physical symptoms, like a raised heart rate, sweating, trouble breathing or nausea. These can happen when the faithful partner is reminded of the infidelity.

Intrusive Thoughts

Victims of affairs may be greatly affected by a constant stream of thoughts and images that describe and depict the affair, accurately or not. They can have nightmares and “daymares” where their imagination paints the worst possible picture of what might have happened. And they may have shaming thoughts of not being good enough or being unloveable. These intrusions are outside conscious control. You can imagine how painful it would be to have a constant reel of betrayal playing in your head!

Avoidance

Faithful partners are going to want to avoid any reminders of the affair, even if these things previously had a positive connotation. A person may not want to go to her favorite restaurant after finding out her wife took her “girlfriend” there. A person may also want to avoid a shared group of friends since the friends were there when his partner kissed another guy at the bar. This behavior usually leads to isolation and depression.

Healing From Infidelity

To address the symptoms of hypervigilance, intrusion, and avoidance, the betrayed partner must reach a place where memories of the affair – real or imaged – are no longer disturbing. This can be achieved through desensitization and reprocessing. Desensitization will minimize the intensity of emotions, and reprocessing will help develop a healthier view of self after trauma. EMDR therapy uses both of these methods to maximize the healing.

How EMDR Therapy Works

Your therapist will first help you develop some resources to help you cope with difficult emotions that may arise during EMDR. After some preparation, you will be ready for processing. First, you will focus on a troubling memory and how you see yourself in connection to that memory. For example, you may think you are not good enough for your partner if they cheated on you. You would then create a positive belief about yourself, such as “I am a person worthy of love.”

Then, you watch your therapist move their finger from side to side - or you may be holding “buzzers” that vibrate in one hand and then the other. You will be asked to notice the emotions and the physical sensations that occur while you process the memory. This procedure will keep going until the memory is no longer disturbing. Then, out goes the negative self-concept and in goes the positive belief, once again stimulated by eye movements.

How EMDR Can Heal the Hurt Partner

The hypervigilance, avoidance, and intrusion can be greatly reduced with EMDR. The therapy will help you think more clearly than you did before. The memories are not erased, but how you think about them will change. Instead of asking your partners questions in an accusatory tone, you can ask the questions with a newfound confidence.

Your negative beliefs will no longer have a hold over you. You will feel worthy or love and affection and good enough for healthy, faithful relationships. if the affair affected your sense of safety, you will be back to feeling OK in your skin and in places where your partner may have been unfaithful. You will able to place the blame where it belongs - on your partner.

You will also be able to be calm when any triggers occur like sharing a bed with your partner or seeing them on their phone. Instead of wasting your energy imagining what the sex between your partner and their lover was like, you will be able to express your needs and have them met.

How EMDR Can Heal the One Who Cheated

If you cheated on your partner, you could feel ashamed of your actions and wish you could turn back time so your partner can trust you again. EMDR therapy can help you see the pain your partner is going through without wanting to run away or get defensive. If you want your partner to heal, you have to be prepared to hear their pain and take responsibility for what you did. EMDR can facilitate this process by reducing the distress you’re likely to feel when hearing your partner’s side of the story.

How EMDR for Infidelity Works

EMDR therapy for infidelity can be done individually or as a couple. Your therapist will guide you through the best option for your specific situation. If done as a couple, it is likely that the partners will have some individual sessions first, followed by a couples processing session when both are deemed ready. Your EMDR therapist will not be there to do couples therapy (unless specifically requested) but simply to help you process the trauma.

Needless to say, for any of this to work, the unfaithful partner must be willing to immediately stop the affair if it’s still ongoing. They must show genuine willingness and effort to right their wrongs. Sincere regret and authentic apologies are a part of healing. EMDR therapy can greatly improve the PTSD-like effects of infidelity, but it cannot compel the unfaithful partner to change their ways.

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Therapists have a deep understanding of how infidelity can affect a relationship. If you are not willing to give up on your relationship, neither will your therapist. Luckily, our office can provide you with couples therapy and EMDR therapy to get you through any hurdle you have experienced. Feel free to contact our office today for your first appointment.

Don’t become a divorce statistic!