Do you ever feel like you are more of an adult than your parents ever were? Growing up, did you feel like something important was missing, but you weren’t sure what? Do you struggle to maintain a healthy relationship with your parents as an adult? If you answered “Yes” to these questions, you may have been raised by emotionally immature parents.

Living with this kind of parents is tough both in childhood and adulthood. While they can be often abusive or neglectful, many emotionally immature parents can do a great job taking care of your physical needs – but not emotional ones. They can even be loving and well-meaning, but their lack of maturity and ability to act like adults leaves an indelible mark.

Let’s take a look at what makes a parent emotionally immature and how it can affect you, their child. For the sake of simplicity, I will refer to all caregivers as “parents,” but this information applies to any caregiver, whether it was a different family member or an unrelated person.

Signs of Emotionally Immature Parents

There are some telltale signs that your parents have not fully developed as emotional beings. You may start noticing these really early on or only see them once you become an adult and move away from family. Either way, you get a sense that something is not quite right, and it takes time to put your finger on what that is exactly. Here is a roadmap to understanding your parents’ level of maturity.

All-or-Nothing Thinking

Rigid, black-and-white thinking is a hallmark of emotionally immature parenting. Emotionally immature parents tend to switch between extremes when it comes to their worldview and opinions. Situations and people are either “good” or “bad.” Needs and requests are met with either “everything is totally fine” or “it’s the end of the world” attitude. These parents are not able to see nuance and shades of grey in the outside world or in their children’s psyche.

Discomfort with Emotions

Parents who have not reached a level of full maturity are generally uncomfortable with emotions and do not know how to emotionally attune to their children. They may get angry when emotions are displayed or sweep them under the rug with humor and distraction. This is especially true for negative emotions like anxiety or sadness.

Emotionally immature parents have trouble recognizing and regulating their own emotions, sometimes coming off as robots or angsty teens. They either do not see emotions as important and dismiss them or find themselves consumed by raw emotion without knowing how to control it.

Inability to See Others as Individuals

Emotionally immature parents have trouble seeing other people as individuals with independent thoughts, emotions, and motivations. They lack what psychologists call “theory of mind” - a recognition that others are psychologically separate entities. Being an adult child of emotionally immature parents can really point out this trait. These parents tend to lack recognition of the fact that their “baby” is now full-grown and has their own opinions and preferences. They expect to have their way to be honored as the only correct way.

Lack of Empathy

This trait is related to inability to see others as individuals. Emotionally immature parents lack empathy for their children and their internal experiences. They cannot put themselves in other people’s shoes and do not see the need to do so. They are usually able to see the impact of difficult life situations on themselves but not on others. They are blind to how they make people feel.

If you faced challenges as a kid, your parents may have minimized them and told you to “just toughen up.” They may have acted as if your need for empathy was a personal slight to them and a sign of ungratefulness for “everything I do for you.”

Self-Centeredness

Simply put, emotionally immature parents are selfish and egocentric. They put their needs before their children’s, only focusing on them if it suits their agenda. They dominate conversations, especially in groups, and want to be the center of attention in their families. Any issue a child brings to them somehow ends up leading to the parent bringing up their own issues.

If your parents showed little interest in what you had to say, showed no curiosity in your experiences, and left you feeling unheard often, they may have been emotionally immature.

Problems with Boundaries

Parents who lack emotional maturity struggle with boundaries. Much like all-or-nothing thinking, their boundaries tend to be too rigid or too porous or flexible. They may keep their distance physically and emotionally or they may want to insert themselves into everything their children do or say.

Too-rigid boundaries can lead to isolation and estrangement. These parents simply do not know how to relate to their children effectively, staying distant and aloof – especially when it comes to emotional closeness. They do not show much interest in their children’s lives and do not share their own emotional and other experiences. Short phone calls may be all these parents are capable of in terms of connection.

Boundaries that are too flexible can lead to enmeshment or extreme closeness inappropriate for parents and children, especially when those children grow into adults. For example, an emotionally immature parent may involve the child in their relationship troubles, sharing too much information about the parents’ conflict or other “adult business.” These parents usually get offended when children ask for privacy and separation.

Parentification

Parentification refers to a situation where the parent and child roles are reversed. Emotionally immature parents expect their children to take care of them and their needs when in reality it should be the other way around. As mentioned, they have loose boundaries and may expect their young children to solve adult problems and take care of adult issues. They want praise and attention from children instead of being the source of attention for them.

The 4 Types of Emotionally Immature Parents

Immature parents can be separated into four categories: emotional, driven, passive, or rejecting. Each type comes with its own challenges and quirks.

The Emotional Parent

The emotional parent is completely at the mercy of their emotions, positive or negative. They expect other people, including their children, to help them regulate their emotional state. Their lack of empathy is especially strong. This can make them emotionally demanding, unpredictable, and needy.

The Driven Parent

Driven parents can be workaholics and are pre-occupied with their own goals. They can expect perfection from children, especially when it comes to grades and behavior. This type of parent wants to see results, and they want them now. Unsurprisingly, they tend to be controlling, telling their children how to live their lives.

The Passive Parent

Just like the name implies, these parents leave the actual parenting to someone else, be it their child or another adult. They leave children to fend for themselves emotionally, refusing to provide empathy and appropriate discipline or life lessons. This type of parent often lets the other parent/step-parent take the lead, which can be especially tough for children in blended families.

The Rejecting Parent

Rejecting parents are not at all motivated to be involved in their children’s lives. Interacting with them can make you wonder why they had children in the first place. They can get extremely angry when a child expresses needs as they do not see a reason to ever meet them. Even though they may appear like “family people” on the surface, they really just want to be left alone.

Consequences of Emotionally Immature Parenting

Growing up with emotionally immature parents can lead people to either internalize or externalize their experiences. This means that people either turn inward or outward to have their needs met – needs that their parents were not able to address. They grow up to be internalizers or externalizers.

Internalizers

Adult children of emotionally immature parents can have an internal locus of control, meaning they believe that the results of their actions are the outcome of their own abilities. They are sensitive and focused on their internal world. They continuously try hard to fix real or perceives mistakes and become self-critical when they cannot do so, feeling like imposters. They tend to be people pleasers who get resentful when others do not return the favor.

Externalizers

Externalizes tend to blame others for outcomes of their own actions. They expect the world to cater to them and believe that other people owe them help. As a result, they can become overly depended on outside sources of soothing and pleasure, like substances or abusive people. Their behavior is reactive and impulsive as they do not think things through before taking action.

What Can You Do About This?

Ok, so your parents sucked. What actions can you take to make things better now?

The first step of healing from emotionally immature parenting is to acknowledge what it did to you. It can be difficult to wake up to the reality of our own upbringing. Recognize that your own negative traits are the result of your parents’ actions and accept that it is now up to you to address them.
The second step is to abandon any “if only” notions. What I mean by that is a belief that “if only I was a better child, none of this would happen.” Stop seeking approval and empathy from your parents by “fixing” yourself. The truth is, your parents will likely never “grow up” and will never be able to meet your needs the way you want them to.
The third step is to become angry about all of this! Anger can be a great motivation for action. Admit that the way you grew up was damaging and feel some righteous anger about not having the parents you deserved. Recognize that this is on them, not on you. Once you get some motivation for change, you can address parentification and boundaries.
The fourth step is to start becoming more aware of how you yourself can be emotionally immature. Re-read the signs above and try to address the ones you notice in yourself. This can be done through self-reflection and/or therapy.
Finally, realize that it is up to you to decide how your relationship with your parents will be now that you are an adult. It may be necessary to put your foot down when establishing new boundaries and rules for communication. Expect your parents to be offended by your newfound independence. You may have to go low- or no-contact and abandon the idea that your parents can change.

Ideas in this article are adapted from Lindsey Gibson’s Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents. I highly recommend reading the book if this post resonates with you.

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Struggling with emotionally immature parents? Therapy can be a great resource for addressing the damage done in childhood. Consider reaching out if you feel you can benefit from some professional support.

Growing Up with Emotionally Immature Parents