Reignite Your Relationship with These 11 Books
Everyone needs a little help sometimes, especially with their relationship. When you have two or more people in the mix, things can get dicey. We bring our pasts into our present interactions with our partner(s), leading to misunderstanding and disconnect.
Fear not – you can read your way to a better relationship (yes, really). These 11 books are the heavy hitters of helping you be a better partner. They are often recommended by relationship therapists (including myself) because they can save you hundreds in therapy fees.
All of the books are available through Bookshop.org, a site that donates to small, local bookstores (with almost $23,000,000 already donated). Please consider buying from them versus Amazon or other online supplier to support your local businesses!
The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work
This book is considered one of the most popular for improving your relationship. Based on 40 years of research, The 7 Principles for Making Marriage Work is written by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Not only will you learn valuable lessons, but you will also get a chance to use the workbook portion to put your newfound knowledge into practice. This book is a great introduction to the Gottman Method, a kind of couples’ therapy created by the Gottmans.
Hold Me Tight
Hold Me Tight is an amazing resource written by Sue Johnson, the creator of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT). EFT is one of the most researched therapies out there, shown to be effective for couples in various stages of distress. As the name implies, this book focuses on emotions along with attachment. Sue leads you on an exploration of your conflict patterns or your “negative cycle.” The idea is that each partner’s “raw spots” get triggered in conflict, which puts the negative cycle into motion. The goal for couples is to understand and break the cycle.
Attached
This book is one of the best overviews of attachment theory and its application to both individuals and couples (or polycules!). It really does explain why you act the way you do in relationships and gives you practical tips on what to do about it. Attached explores how our upbringing affects us for life – although it makes it very clear that you are not destined to always act according to the way your caregivers raised you. Covering the four attachment styles, this book shows you why you may prefer to be alone or are seen as “needy” by others. I consider this one an absolute must-read!
The 5 Love Languages
You have probable heard of this classic, and you may already be aware of the concept of love languages. Even if you already took their online quiz and found out your primary and secondary love languages, you still want to read this book. It gives valuable examples of how you can apply love languages to your relationship and covers the most common misunderstandings about the concept. For example, if you tremendously enjoy physical intimacy with you partner, it doesn’t necessarily mean your love language
Loving Bravely: Twenty Lessons of Self-Discovery to Help You Get the Love You Want
This one is a bit different as it puts the focus on you. Loving Bravely is all about taking a deep and honest dive into your own history to see how it affects your relationships. You will become more self-aware and start recognizing the patterns created by your upbringing and prior relationships. You will also discover your own strengths and challenges when it comes to love. The book even addresses cultural messages that can have a serious impact on how we relate to others. Whether you are single or attached, Loving Bravely can help you take your self-understanding to a whole new level.
Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence
Like the title suggests, this book is all about getting hot and heavy with your partner. Esther Perel is a revered relationship therapist with a fantastic podcast. Her advice is incredibly useful – and this book is no exception. Here, Esther explores the barriers to intimacy created by domesticity and helps you discover ways of breaking these barriers down. She admits this takes work, but if you put in the effort, you can re-experience the kind of erotic excitement you felt in those first few months of your relationship.
Polysecure
If you are in a non-monogamous relationship – or considering it… get this book NOW. Seriously, hit that Add to Cart button and enjoy building a polycule based on mutual respect and understanding. It can be quite difficult to meet everyone’s needs in a poly relationship for obvious reasons: you are bringing more people into the mix along with choosing a fitting structure for the relationship. This is hard! Jessica Fern gives an amazing overview of attachment and how it applies to consensual non-monogamy. She provides a step-by-step practical guide to becoming more secure and expressing your needs to your partners. The book even addresses trauma an dhow it can affect your behavior with your partners.
Ask a Queer Chick: A Guide to Sex, Love, and Life for Girls Who Dig Girls
Relationships may look different for people who identify as LGBTQIA+, and this book is written for queer women. It gives a great overview of what lesbian relationships look like and how to have fulfilling romantic connections with other women. Ask a Queer Chick is based on the long-running advice column for The Hairpin and offers advice on everything from coming out to walking down the aisle. It talks about cultural messages about queerness and covers some challenges faced by queer trans women. There is even a chapter for straight allies! What’s not to like?
Sexual Intimacy for Women: A Guide for Same-Sex Couples
If you are a queer woman looking to reignite your sex life, this book is a must. Look, we’ve all heard about the dreaded “lesbian bed death” (which, by the way, is a horrible term… bleh) – anyone would want to avoid that kind of stagnation in their intimacy. Dr. Corwin explores female desire in detail and helps women overcome common issues around orgasm, body image, identity, aging, and parenthood. The result is a healthier, more fulfilling relationship on every level and not just sexually. If you are a queer woman, this is the one book you absolutely must read!
Love Between Men: Enhancing Intimacy and Resolving Conflicts in Gay Relationships
Rik Isensee is a therapist in San Francisco who specializes in working with gay men and their relationships. His book is a treasure trove of advice for queer men on everything from dating to conflict resolution to improving intimacy. It certainly fills a gap in the world of relationship literature, which tends to focus on straight people. Isensee includes important chapters on abusive relationships, which are rarely talked about in the open. Whether you just came out or have been fortunate to be living in the open your whole life, you are guaranteed to learn something from Love Between Men.
The Gay Man’s Guide to Open and Monogamous Marriage
There are a few books out there about dating and intimacy for gay men, but not many authors cover the topic of marriage in detail. Michael Dale Kimmel to the rescue! This resource is all you need to read if you are considering popping the question or saying “Yes!” Not only does it cover many issues unique to monogamous gay men; it also addresses open marriages. Surveys tell us that consensually non-monogamous relationships are more common in the queer men community. This book offers an easy-to-follow, practical framework for navigating the sometimes-difficult waters of same-sex non-monogamy.
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Now, you have some reading to do! Pick a book or two from this list, settle in, and get ready to reignite your relationship. From learning the basics to discovering advanced topics of love, you will go on a journey unlike any other. Please note that I make a small commission if you buy a book through my bookshop, but this does not raise your price. Once again, buying through Bookshop.org is the best way to send some love to your local independent bookstores!
