Can Well-Meaning Parents Traumatize Their Children?
Have you had unfortunate childhood experiences because of your parents even though they clearly cared about you? Would you describe your childhood as “good” while feeling like something was missing? You could be one of thousands of adults who were inadvertently hurt or traumatized by their loving parents.
Unintentional Trauma
While some parents bring trauma to their children through intentional abuse or neglect, there are others who do not mean to inflict any pain but do damage. For example, your parents could think their words and actions are helping you get “ready for the real world” when they are causing harm to your self-esteem and emotional intelligence. Such “tough love” can easily lead to issues in adulthood.
Another way well-meaning parents can inflict trauma is through indirect means like divorce, disability, poverty, or complicated grief. A parent mourning a lost child can sometimes leave the living child behind in their overwhelming pain. A single parent working three jobs to survive can unintentionally neglect their child’s emotional needs. Trauma doesn’t have to be extensive and tragic to count.
The bottom line is, raising children in a healthy way is difficult even for the most well-meaning parents. Occasional parenting mistakes don’t equal trauma, but consistent stress can lead to long-lasting consequences.
Why Childhood Experiences Matter
Even though the past is in the past, the way you are raised is a significant determinant of how you will act and feel as an adult. Your parents’ early choices determine how you behave in relationships and their role modeling throughout your childhood has a huge influence on how you relate to others as an adult.
There's a saying in neuroscience: “Neurons that fire together wire together.” It describes the way we form new pathways in our brains: through pairing and repetition. These pathways decide our actions and form our habits in every facet of life.
All throughout your childhood, your neurons fired in reaction to your parents’ words and actions. Like it or not, there are a ton of established pathways in your brain that formed because of your upbringing.
Some – hopefully most – are good. Others, not so much. For example, a memory of your dad conveying his disappointment at your grades could get “stuck” and become a fierce inner critic.
Until you have resolved these childhood experiences and formed new neural pathways, your past will continue to stay in the present. There are several common themes to being traumatized by well-meaning parents.
Loss of a Parent or Sibling
Losing a parent early in life can be traumatic for a child. This loss can occur through many means: death, divorce, separation, abandonment, incarceration, even extensive job travel.
Maybe you did not have enough memories with your parent and feel sad you will not make new ones. Even if you have been brought up by another parent or relative, it often still feels like a piece of yourself is missing.
When it comes to losing a sibling, it’s all about how your parents respond. Sometimes, parents get stuck in their grief, unable to move on and pay attention to their living children’s present needs.
The same can happen if your sibling has a serious illness or disability. Healthy children can be left behind in the chaos of providing a sufficient level of care.
Emotional Neglect
Abusive parents may neglect their child’s needs if they have difficulty showing love for them. However, there are other parents who neglect their children without meaning to hurt them.
It could be because they have a busy work schedule, or their job involves a lot of traveling. It could also be a result of them being brought up in an environment where emotions were not allowed or encouraged. If they felt uncomfortable around emotions, it likely rubbed off on you.
Some parents may not even know when their child is hurting. They can be the kind of parent that always shows up happy and cheerful, making sadness and anger into “bad” emotions.
If your emotional needs were not met in childhood, you may go through life thinking you don’t deserve attention or comfort from others. You may also have a low emotional intelligence.
Substance and Screen Use
Here we are not talking about in-your-face, clearly damaging substance use sufficient for child removal by authorities. Instead, it’s the influence of your parents’ state of low alertness and presence on your well-being.
This is not meant to shame parents who enjoy drugs and alcohol responsibly. But consider whether you, as a parent, are present enough to be attuned and responsive to your child and their emotional needs.
Excessive screen use by parents falls in the same category. Being glued to a phone or laptop is not exactly the best way to attend to children.
Coping with an Illness
This type of trauma can play out in two different ways:
You were born with a physical or mental illness and your parents treated you differently than your siblings and friends. In their attempts to protect you, they could be making you feel inferior and incapable to the point of instilling deep-seated fears.
Your parents are the ones living with a physical or mental illness, and they expect you to take care of them. This flips the traditional parent-child relationship on its head, and that can cause damage to the child’s developing sense of self.
These are just some ways in which parents can negatively affect their children’s chances of becoming a healthy, well-rounded adult. As you can tell, none of these situations are particularly ill-intentioned yet they can have a deep impact on your whole life.
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If you feel like your parents did not meet your needs growing up, you may want to work with a professional on raising your emotional intelligence and strengthening your sense of identity.
