Four Big Red Flags In Relationships

Are there times where your partner rubs you the wrong way in what they say or do? “I’ll let it slide this time,” you think to yourself. Should you though?

A red flag means your intuition is telling you something is not right in your relationship. They can either be right in your face, or it may take a few incidents for them to come to light. They can be significant enough to end the relationship or they could simply mean you need to revisit your boundaries.

Ignoring red flags is not going to make them go away – it’s actually going to ensure your partner keeps engaging in these behaviors. Red flags can be a great way to “see into the future” and decide if this person is right for you.

Sometimes, you may question yourself: “Is this actually a deal-breaker or am I overreacting?” Some behaviors may be innocent and changeable while others indicate a deeper problem. If a red flag about your partner is starting to become obvious to people around you, you cannot ignore it.

Here are things to watch out for…

Intellectual, Emotional or Physical Control

Any kind of abuse should not be ignored, but what about less obvious signs, like subtle attempts to control you? It could spell trouble if your partner cuts you off from friends or gets upset when you express ideas, opinions or emotions.

Diminishing or laughing at your emotions, criticizing your ideas, and asking you to “stop being so dramatic” could all be ways of controlling who you are. Your partner should want you to maintain your mental and emotional independence while you are together.

The same can be said if your partner is constantly asking you to hang out with them instead of spending time with your friends and family. Of course, you would expect to spend a lot of time with your person, but it should not be detrimental to your social connections.

A true relationship is about encouragement and support instead of stifling each other’s self-expression and friendships. If your partner shames you for the way you think and feel, that’s a major relationship red flag. Same goes for gaslighting.

Not being able to trust your partner with promises should give you a big pause. They are letting you down in small ways; will they be able to show up when you need them in big ways?

Rudeness Towards Others

Is your partner sweet with you but a jerk to others? Watch how your loved one treats waitstaff in restaurants and strangers in the streets. A decent person sees worth in all people, not just those they are courting.

Being rude to others while sweeping you off your feet is one of the biggest red flags out there. It shows that your partner has a mean streak, and they are not afraid to show it. They are likely to turn their sights on you after the initial honeymoon period is over.

As a matter of fact, this behavior could predict future abuse. Abusers “love bomb” their victims with gifts and loving words before treating them poorly. These cycles of “nice and nasty” help the abusive person keep their partner attached and unwilling to leave.

Unreliability And Unavailability

A partner who cares about you will call you when they said they would. They will show up instead of blowing you off to hang out with their buddies. They will not go excessively long periods without talking to you or checking up on your life.

An extreme lack of punctuality is disrespectful towards you and your time. If your loved one is constantly late and makes excuses for their behavior, you should address it with them as soon as possible.

Choosing other people and activities over you all the time sends a clear message: you are not as important and interesting. After all, being with their person should be one of your partner’s favorite pastimes.

Inability To Apologize

Does your partner weasel out of apologies after fights and misunderstandings? It usually takes two people to create and perpetuate conflict. If your loved one never takes responsibility for their part, it could spell trouble.

A good partner will admit it when they are wrong or angry. They will comfort you and feel genuinely bad if they caused you to be upset. Even if what they did seemed funny or innocent to them, they will not use that as an excuse to minimize your reaction.

A real apology means showing regret for the incident, holding oneself accountable for one’s words and behaviors, and sincerely trying to avoid repeating them in the future. An apology is not a true one if your partner continues to engage in behaviors for which they apologized.

What Should You Do About It?

The best action to take is to talk about what’s bothering you. Explain to your partner how their words and behaviors make you feel calmly and with “I” statements.

If you say, “I feel upset when you make fun of my jokes, and I’d like for you to be more supportive of my attempts at humor because that’s important to me,” your partner should listen up, apologize, and stop the behavior.

If their reaction is to minimize your complaint, get defensive, make excuses, and continue doing what you asked them not to do, you may want to take a second look at your relationship.

The same goes for a situation where they stop the behavior for a bit but then go back to their old tricks. This tells you they do not take your needs seriously and will continue to cross your boundaries repeatedly.

As you see, some things may be truly non-negotiable. If your partner tries to control you, is never there for you, acts mean towards others, or only pretends to apologize… it may be time to re-think the partnership.

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We offer couples’ therapy and individual therapy to help you see the red flags in your relationship and know what to do about them. Schedule a free consultation or contact us for more information about our services.