S1:E6 - Bipolar Type One

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Episode Notes

Join us as Anna and Megan discuss what it's like to live with bipolar disorder type one. From mania to psychosis, type one has its unique challenges. Find out how Megan was able to find stability in this episode.

You can find Megan on Instagram @thisismegan_r and @handmadebymegan1.

Download the mania contract HERE.

Transcript

ANNA:  Welcome to Courage to Heal, a podcast where we explore the battles we wage within ourselves. I am your host, Ana Khandrueva, a psychotherapist, and a mental health advocate. This is season one, episode six: Bipolar Disorder Type One.

Hello dear, dear friends, and welcome to my episode on bipolar disorder type one. It's important to understand that bipolar has several types because they can be expressed so differently. To be diagnosed with bipolar type one, you need to experience a manic episode by comparison. People with bipolar type two go through hypomania, a less severe form of mania along with depression.

While depression is not necessary for the bipolar type one diagnosis, most people with this type still experience it. In fact, the entire disorder, regardless of the type, is mostly depressive rather than manic or hypomanic. Mania causes severe impairment and tends to have very negative consequences for the person experiencing it, including hospitalization.

Let’s look at the possible symptoms. These symptoms would have to persist for at least seven days for them to count as a diagnosable manic episode.

First, you have elevated or irritable mood. People with bipolar one can feel very grandiose about themselves, with an overwhelming and undefeatable sense of self-confidence and self-importance. They often report feeling on top of the world and unstoppable. Note that irritable mood is just as likely, with periods of extreme irritation for no discernible reason.

Secondly, people in a manic episode will have a decreased need for sleep while still enjoying plenty of energy. They can sleep as little as 2-4 hours a night – or even not sleep at all – and still be able to go about their day in a tireless way.

They will also experience a flight or ideas, or incredibly rapid thinking that’s impossible to stop or slow down. Mania can make them distractible and impulsive, taking risks without appropriate reflection on possible bad outcomes. Common ones include spending a lot of money or engaging in risky sexual behavior, also referred to as hypersexuality.

People in a manic episode will start tons of activities and projects, often getting lost in a new hobby or a grandiose idea like writing a book or starting a business without any pre-planning. Their energy and rapid thinking will contribute to a frantic nature of these endeavors.

Last but not least, mania can cause rapid talking, which is difficult to interrupt - also called pressured speech. At least three of these symptoms will need to be present for the diagnosis, unless there is no elevated or irritable mood, in which case you would need four of these symptoms.

Another thing that can happen in bipolar type one is psychosis. Psychosis consists of delusions and, less frequently, auditory, visual, or olfactory hallucinations. Psychosis can lead to paranoia and an idea that one is being persecuted or followed.

Finally, I will mention agitation. Agitation is a feeling of uneasiness typically accompanied by excessive talking or purposeless motions such as pacing, wringing of the hands or restless legs. It can cause a lot of discomfort for the person experiencing it.

Mania is usually severe enough that other people can notice something is off. Friends and family can be the first ones to be able to tell that mania started because the bipolar person themselves can be quite unaware and enjoying the elevated mood.

Like I mentioned, depression is also common in bipolar type one, although it is not necessary for a diagnosis. People can also experience mixed episodes, where some symptoms of mania are combined with some symptoms of depression. For example, you may feel energetic and irritable with a sense of guilt and worthlessness.

People with bipolar one often have to take medications because of its severity. They cannot stop taking these medications when they feel better and more stable.

If you have bipolar type one, it is very important to compile a list of your warning signs, also called prodromal symptoms. These symptoms are subtle signs that a manic episode is starting. You could notice yourself needing less sleep, becoming interested in new projects, or calling more people than usual or having an increased sexual desire. One client of mine notices herself looking at online sales and coupons with increasing frequency before mania takes over.

It's also important to know your triggers: events and situations likely to set off a manic episode. Some common triggers include a lack of sleep, substance use, and significant stress, which can happen even from positive events, like a wedding.

Once mania is escalating, you will likely need the help of others because it will be hard to rein yourself in. That’s why it’s important to have an ally – a trusted loved one who takes the time to learn about bipolar symptoms, knows your warning signs, and feels comfortable gently confronting you when they notice mania starting. Of course, not everyone has this luxury.

Some people choose to write down a “mania contract,” which is a document listing your triggers, warning signs, coping skills, and people you trust to help you out during this time. It should also contain contact information for your medical team. I am including a downloadable version of this manic contract in the show notes.

If you have been hospitalized before or if you are worried it might happen to you in the future, you may want to keep a hospital bag packed – you most certainly won’t have the time or wherewithal to pack one when manic, and your loved ones may not know what to bring. Some things to include are clothes without drawstrings, shoes without shoelaces such as flip flops, socks and underwear, personal toiletries, and a piece of paper with important phone numbers. You can also bring books without spiral binding or metal rings and unframed photos of loved ones. Know that hospital staff may not allow some of these to be in your possession – it’s up to their discretion.

One last thing I want to mention is that there are several studies on the benefit of dark therapy for mania. This involves being in a completely dark room especially during the hours you would normally sleep. Since this is unrealistic for most people, you can use amber or blue-light glasses instead. They more or less mimic being in a dark space. One promising study had people wear these glasses from 6pm until 8am unless they were asleep. This slowed down or completely stopped the progression of mania. Please consult with your doctor before using this or another other method on your own.

I hope this gives a good overview of bipolar type 1 and gives you some jumping off points to help manage mania. As always, let’s listen to someone with a lived experience to really know what it’s like.

 ANNA: Today I am talking with Megan Racioppo, a mental health advocate who lives with bipolar type one, anxiety and PTSD. Megan believes in spreading awareness about her mental health struggles through her Instagram account and podcast interviews to help others feel supported and not so alone. Megan, thank you so much for being here today.

MEGAN: Thank you so much for having me. I'm so excited. Me too. And Megan, I wonder if you could get started just by telling my listeners a bit about yourself. Yeah, well definitely. I am 35 years old, but this is my birthday month actually, so I'll be 36. And a little fun fact, my birthday is March 30th, which is World Bipolar Day, and it's also Vincent van Gogh's birthday, which I think is pretty cool.

So, every year I get to celebrate my birthday and then also have, you know, the world bipolar day awareness on Instagram and kind of celebrate that day. So, I think that's pretty interesting. Yeah, I've been married now for almost 12 years, and I have two boys who are eight and 10, so they definitely keep me busy.

I work as a teaching assistant at a high school part-time.  and I also teach ice skating on the side, so I do a lot of different things. And I also actually have my, have my own business. I make like home decor pieces and furniture. So yeah, just a little bit about me. Thank you so much for sharing that.

ANNA: And Megan, just to get right into it, how did you first find out that you had bipolar type one?

MEGAN: Well, I got diagnosed three years ago. I have been in therapy for about six or seven years now, and so my therapist definitely knows me very well, and he witnessed a, my first full-blown manic episode.

And it was something that obviously he had never seen in me before, so it was a huge red flag. And he, I mean, I remember asking him about it later and him saying that it was like I was barely sitting on the couch. I was like, floating. And like, I had such a flight of ideas and I was all over the place and he couldn't get a word in edgewise.

And I was delusional and so, yeah, that's definitely how it came to be. It took a couple of months for me to get my official diagnosis. I think because my, between my therapist and my psychiatrist, they didn't quite know what was going on with me because I didn't have any, I always had depression.

I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and so I always had depression and struggled with that.  And I never really found any treatment that worked for me. I tried so many different medications and, you know, I was in therapy, and I even tried TMS and nothing really worked. And so whenever, you know, he witnessed the full-blown manic episode, it kinda started the ball rolling on.

Looking further into that. And then the following… I was manic for about two weeks and then the following week I crashed into a major depressive episode, and I was also very delusional and had psychosis. And so that was very out of character for me. And so eventually I got diagnosed and I was, I was so like, almost sort of angry with them for like tiptoeing around me.

I think it was because I was delusional too. I felt like they were like talking about me behind my back and not letting me know what was going on with me. I just kept asking like, what's wrong with me? What's wrong with me? You know, like I just, I was so confused and didn't understand. But yeah, it made sense.

Once I finally kind of received that diagnosis, it was hard. , but it made sense so.

ANNA: Right. Absolutely. A lot of people find it very hard, of course, to even just hear those words. You have bipolar and some people also do find that it's a bit of a relief to know what's wrong with them. I wonder if that was the case for you at all.

MEGAN: Yeah, definitely. Because I feel like the years prior I, you know, I had many, you know, severe depressive episodes and definitely some highs that I couldn't really explain. And so, it made a lot of sense. I mean, it was definitely shocking.  to, to hear your psychiatrist sit, you know, sit you down and be like, okay, Megan, you have bipolar one disorder with psychotic features.

You know, I was, it took me quite a few days to process that, but and it was overwhelming, but like I said, it just kind of fit and made sense and I was able to do some research. And, you know, kind of put the pieces together. And I even bought Bipolar for Dummies to kind of get, you know, some knowledge on it because nobody in my family has bipolar, so it doesn't stem from that.

And so, it was completely a new thing for not only me, but for my family to deal with as well. And so, I definitely wanted to inform myself as much as I could and inform them.

ANNA: So, it sounds like you were depressed for quite a while and then you had that manic episode. So I wonder what are some of the adversities you faced because of bipolar, both before and after the manic episode?

MEGAN: I mean, I've definitely faced a lot of adversity being in a depressive episode. Just it strips you of everything, all hope and all. Like, I mean, I just wanted to not live anymore. You know, it was so, it was the lowest of the low and my thoughts were just, all over the place. I couldn't function.

I have two kids that need take, you know, need taken care of. And so, my family had to step in and help support me. It was all I could do to get out of bed. You know, that's a huge thing, a huge burden to lay on somebody and you feel that guilt and shame, but, when you're in that low, you don't see anything else.

You can't see past it. You all you see is just like the darkness and, I've struggled a lot with self-harm and alcohol abuse disorder and things like that because of having, you know, depressive episodes and bipolar and mixed episodes and whatnot. So, there's the, there's definitely been a lot of things that I've struggled with because of it and

Yeah, I don't, I don't know. I'm trying to think of more things, but those are like the main ones that I can think of right now.

ANNA: Right. Certainly, all very common. I myself struggled with alcohol abuse and everything. You've named self-harm, guilt, shame. I hear that all the time. And once again, when I was depressed and when I am still sometimes getting depressed. Those are very relatable things. Yeah. So Megan, I wonder if you had a chance for a do-over, since you know, you didn't even have the diagnosis before, what would you have done differently, if anything?

MEGAN: Well, I don't know if I could have done anything differently because I was already in therapy and I was already seeing a psychiatrist, and so.

I was already doing those things proactively and bipolar just kind of hit me outta nowhere, you know? But one thing, I became depressed at the young age of 13 and I never spoke up about it to my parents or to anybody that I really trusted. And I really, really struggled and I had a major loss.

Which was so traumatic for me. My grandfather passed away and I just didn't know how to deal with that grief and that I'm just really turned into, you know, depression for me and I just didn't know.  how to speak up, and I wish that if I had a do-over, I would go back and say something about my mental health and get the help that I needed sooner and not struggle for so long.

Because I mean, at that young age, you don't really understand, and you don't really have the words to explain what you're going through. But I wish that I somehow found the courage to do that because it wasn't until much later that I sought help and I kind of did that on my own when I was like 18 or 19 after another major trauma in college.

And so yeah, I would definitely advocate more for my young, my younger self.

ANNA: That makes sense. I feel that's how a lot of people feel who do start having those symptoms early on. It's hard. It's hard when you're so young to even understand what's happening and to speak up for yourself.

MEGAN: Yeah. It really is. It's hard to have a voice when you're that young and don't really know what you're feeling. You don't learn about it in school really. And so, you don't have any understanding of it and it doesn't make sense. But I mean, I would just wish and pray that I wouldn't wake up, and no, you know, teenager should feel like that in without any sort of help, you know, and I kind of wish my parents saw that in me and they kind of, you know, they didn't.

And so that's something that I've definitely had to process, you know, like not getting the help that I needed sooner. But I mean, I think.  things work out in time and whenever I was ready I did, you know, seek the help and I did, you know, find my voice. But it definitely took a lot longer than, than I think it should have.

ANNA: Megan, you already hinted at, you know, your manic episode, what that was like. But just to get a bit more detail what is it like for you to experience mania?

MEGAN: Well, I experience mania in like different ways sometimes. My last manic episode was actually pretty mild. Red flags for me are just more of the obvious ones of like not wanting to go to sleep.

It's the last thing that. Want to even think about, I refuse to think about going to sleep and I have tons of energy and I start all kind of projects and just don't wanna stop. Even if it's the middle of the night, you know, I'm just working on a million different things. And so that was kind of my last-minute episode, but I've also experienced psychotic mania where I.

Like I had a trauma with my hand with my business. I used power tools and so I was using a table saw and the wood kicked back on my hand, and I broke my finger because it got caught in the blade. And so that trauma was so big. I think that's what set off my bipolar. And I was convinced that my finger was not mine, that the doctors had made a mistake, and that it was something that only I could fix, that nobody else could fix.

I was convinced that, you know, my finger was somebody else's. And things like that. And it was really confusing for me. I've also experienced a lot of euphoria while being manic. I remember sitting on my back deck at like four or five in the morning a few times and seeing just like neon lights all over the yard.

Or like shooting stars and they're like surrounding me and just feeling mesmerized by it. And so, there's been, you know, definitely different variations of it, but also scary hallucinations. I would be convinced that there was a man in my attic, and he would walk around and like, of course where my bed is, he would be like right above my bed in the attic, you know, walking around and standing there.

And I think that had a lot to do with my trauma in college and, you know, putting the two together. And so definitely the hallucinations are seeing things out of the corners of your eye, hearing things, hearing your name being called, you know, and your home alone. And, you know, you hear things like that and you know, I've seen people in my house and I get very paranoid.

So, yeah. So definitely. I've experienced it a lot of different ways, but the psychosis is, it, it's a hard one, you know, because it could be very mesmerizing, like I said, and kind of amazing. You know, you're feeling on top of the world, but it could also be really scary. And so that's definitely something that I have faced numerous times.

ANNA: You know, that's so interesting you mentioned that particular delusion. In a different episode, I reveal that I had the exact same delusion that a man was living in my attic.

MEGAN: No way.

ANNA: Absolutely. My husband had to show me the attic, first of all, and show that there's all kinds of insulation there that would make it impossible for somebody to live there. And then just convince me over and over again, and I would hear a noise and I would say, oh my God, that's the man.

MEGAN: Yes. That's what you think. You hear their boots walking on the floor, you know, above you, and you're convinced that there's somebody up there and nothing's gonna change your mind, even if you go up there and check it out.

Like for me, it was like, no, you can't. You're not changing my mind, you know? So that was. That was really scary. I haven't had that feeling for a while now. I think I've kind of processed a lot of that, but yeah, for a long time there, that's, that's how I felt. And ha, you know, and I was real, definitely terrified of it.

ANNA: Mm. Yeah. I can most definitely relate since it was the exact same, exact same delusion. Yeah. And Megan, to go from mania to depression first of all, you mentioned that depression got triggered after your manic episode. Do you usually find that that's the case? Cause I find that to be a pretty common thing that people share.

MEGAN: Actually, not necessarily for me. The last time I was manic, which was a few months ago which was like the milder version of mania for me this past time. My psychiatrist and I worked immediately to up my mood stabilizers and get, you know, my medicines on board. And I think we've really caught it in time.

And so, it didn't get full blown. And so, I think because of that, I didn't crash into a depression this time. But in the beginning, early on when I was diagnosed, I definitely would always have a depressive episode after mania, and it would last for months. I mean, it's no easy thing experiencing that going from mania that such extreme high to such an extreme low.

I mean, you're in this dark abyss and it's just awful. You can't even explain it. And if you've never experienced it, I mean, I wouldn't wish it on anybody, right?

ANNA: And you know, for bipolar type one, of course all you need is mania to be diagnosed, but depression is absolutely a feature in it as well. A lot of people, I think, don't understand that, and depressive episodes tend to last longer, and overall, bipolar is more of a depressive disorder in the sense that 75% of episodes tend to be depressive rather than manic or hypomanic.

MEGAN: Oh, that's interesting. Okay. Yeah, and that definitely makes sense because, you know, I've had so many more depressive episodes all throughout my life and not quite so many highs. So yeah, that's definitely an interesting fact.

ANNA: Yeah. And Megan, you also mentioned that you have PTSD from some past trauma. I actually did an episode on bipolar and trauma where my guest said that for her, her trauma made bipolar symptoms worse. So I wonder if you find that that's the case for you as well?

MEGAN: Yeah, I think it definitely does because you're trying to process your trauma and you know, I work really hard in therapy and having bipolar and not being aware of what mood cycle you're gonna be in makes it hard to process those traumas because if you're constantly swinging up and down, you don't get to that stable place where you can really do the hard work and discuss the, the PTSD, you know, you're more focused on the episode that you're in.

And so that's definitely difficult to manage both. I think that having PTSD… I wasn't diagnosed with PTSD until I started therapy about six or seven years ago. I didn't know that I had it. I had all these symptoms but just kind of never sought help for it. Never even thought that I had had it until, you know, I started therapy and, and then when I got diagnosed with bipolar, it just definitely added to the chaos of it all.

You know, and definitely living with anxiety as well. You know, you're worried about, you're always worried about the other shoe dropping. You know, when am I gonna when am I gonna change into, you know, a different person, you know, because of, of an episode. And so, you're anxious about that and worrying and trying, you know, I try not to project, but it's hard not to.

Especially after coming out of mania and, and thinking like, oh my gosh, now I'm gonna crash. You know, it, your anxiety really gets the better of you. So having all three of those combined is just torture sometimes.

ANNA: Oh yeah. I can only imagine. Thankfully I don't have PTSD, but I do have generalized anxiety disorder in addition to bipolar. And I can relate to that, you know, being afraid of what's gonna come next. I will be very open. I get a bit of anxiety every time before I record a podcast episode, and I have to do a bit of breathing. And a lot of people think, well, you're a therapist. You should be able to not have anxiety somehow, magically.

 But it's something I live with and for me the difference is I have a lot of tools to handle it, but it still very much arises. So, I can relate to what you were saying as well.

MEGAN: Yeah. Yeah. You can have the tools, but I mean, your body's still gonna do what it's gonna do it, you know, you have that fight or flight response and, or just something just comes outta nowhere and you can't really control it.

And it… I think I've managed it pretty well in the past few years. It was really out of hand. A few years ago, I ended up hospitalized for severe anxiety and depression. It was my first hospitalization and it just got to be too much. I couldn't handle it. I was staying up all hours of the night, which to me, I wasn't diagnosed.

So, to me, like that was, you know, a kind of a precursor. Like, oh, that was maybe an episode I was having, you know, but nobody caught it. And so yeah, there's always that fear and that worry, but I manage it pretty well with medications now. So, it's not as hard all the time. It used to be all the time, you know, but now I can kind of sense it and be like, okay, this is what I'm feeling, and kind of process it and you know, kind of try to move past it.

ANNA: Right. That all makes a lot of sense. And you keep mentioning, you know, you're on medication, you're doing therapy right now and you're doing pretty well. So what are some of your biggest challenges now?

MEGAN: Well, I think just continuing what I'm doing. Going to therapy, taking my medications, I think.

Just day-to-day life is, you know, a challenge in itself. You know, taking things one day at a time even one hour at a time if you need to, one minute at a time, you know, if you're really struggling. Finding the right medication combination is also a really big challenge because like, you'll think you'll be on the right medications and then the bottom will drop.

You know, and then you'll kind of have to start over. And that's always a bit frustrating and it's such a process to start something new, see if it works, see if there's side effects. I definitely struggle with a lot of side effects from medications and so that's always been a big challenge for me as well.

Weight gain especially. And that really hurts my, you know, self-esteem.  and you know, my kind of sense of worth, self-worth. And so that's something that I still need to work on, that I need to understand. It's not my fault that I have these side effects but it's also something that bothers me and I need to work through.

And it's, it's not fair. You know, you wanna just say, why me? Why do I have to deal with this? You know, like, why can't I just take this magical pill and I'll feel better and, you know, I won't ever have to change it. So, yeah. So that's definitely a big challenge. Yeah, but I mean, like I said, I think, I think I'm on the right path with just doing what I'm doing now and sticking to my routines and, and just trying to take it day by day.

ANNA: Right. It certainly sounds like you're doing a fantastic job of that. Coming back from hospitalization, psychosis, all of that mania and being able to be, you know, more or less stable. Cause I understand, I consider myself stable, but I still have slight hypomanic episodes here and there, slight depressive episodes here and there.

And I'm glad you mentioned this concept of a magical pill because I feel like that's what a lot of people who don't have bipolar think we have is that you just go to the doctor, get a prescription, and then you. magically don't have any symptoms and they don't understand that it can be a very long process.

For me, it took two years to find the right medication that, you know, still had side effects, weight gain that you mentioned.

MEGAN: Absolutely. And there are even worse side effects out there that I was, you know, lucky enough not to experience. Very good point that there is no magic solution to bipolar and that we go through a lot in order to try and be stable.

It's certainly a frustrating process and it takes a while and it takes perseverance and not giving up and sticking to your appointments and being open and honest with your psychiatrist and all of that, which is hard work, you know, it's not something that comes easy. So yeah, I'm definitely an advocate for, you know, for therapy and medication.

I know it's not for everyone, but for me that's what works. And so I'm just gonna keep trying. It's a great attitude to have , same attitude that I have, that's all we can do.

ANNA: Right, right. So, Megan, do you feel like there's any are there any strengths or benefits to having bipolar?

MEGAN: I think having bipolar allows you to feel things on such like a much deeper level than other people. Not everyone gets to experience life that way. And so, I think that's definitely a positive to having bipolar. I know you feel the lowest of the low, but you also feel the deeper emotions. And you, I think people with bipolar are definitely more sensitive to other people's emotions and can empathize with their struggles, and that's a huge strength I think for us with bipolar.

I, you know, it's, it's so important to be kind to one another. And I think that having this illness kind of gives you that kindness for most people because you understand how bad things can get, how dark things can get, and so you see things a little bit differently.

For me too, I think I'm way more creative because of my bipolar. And I know you can't, like people attribute, you know, bipolar and creativity and stuff. And I know that's not like a fact or anything, but I really do think that has a lot to do with it. I love to write, and I love to make, you know, pieces of home decor and all about those kinds of things.

Those were huge coping skills for me.  and I think that if I didn't have bipolar, I think I wouldn't be as passionate about those things. And I think every, everybody needs to find something that they're passionate about and kind of clinging to that. So yeah, it's not all negative. It's, you know, there's some positives and strengths, you know, to having bipolar.

ANNA: Definitely that empathy you mentioned and kindness, I feel like those are really big elements because having been where we've been it's a lot easier to understand people who may not have bipolar but have some other kind of mental illness and struggling with that.

And Megan, to go back a little bit because there was a question that I wanted to ask but forgot to ask is a lot of people I interview and I myself talk about bipolar anger, and some even refer to it as bipolar rage, where you just get these angry moments where anger feels very uncontrollable, and you don't wanna hurt anybody. You know your loved ones, but words come out that are just mean and hateful, and later you feel deep shame about it. I wonder if you can relate to that at all.

MEGAN: A little bit. I had like one episode where I had like bipolar rage and I really haven't had an episode like that since then in the, for years that I've been diagnosed.

So, it was kind of really unsettling for me to feel that I, that anger over seemingly nothing. I mean, I remember I was putting my boys' clothes away and. The hangers that I would put the clothes on didn't all match. And so, the ones that weren't matching, I would, I was flinging them against the wall like so angrily, and I have no idea why, but it just made me so angry.

And my husband is very sarcastic and likes to joke and he… the kids and him were like teasing and saying, oh, like I forget what, what they were saying, but something about, oh, like we don't like mommy. We don't this something like, you know about me. You know, just teasing. And I remember just like flipping out on them and they were so like scared and upset and like confused because that's so out of character for me. Like I don't scream at my kids, you know?

And that same time too someone reached out to me, a family member, and sent me a text message that just set me off. It was, I was dealing with a struggle with my son and his health and I just kind of lost it on them as well.

And so, it was kind of all in that same, same time period, that same episode. And I also, I had a big poster for my business in my office here. It's called Handmade by Megan. And so, I had a big poster with, you know, Handmade by Megan on it and everything, and I was so proud of it. And I remember ripping it off the wall and just cutting it into a million little pieces and, and just with every like cut, I just felt better, but also worse.

And, you know, I look, and I'm done and there's just pieces of paper all over the floor, you know, and I'm just like, what did I do? You know? And it was just very out of character and very confusing. So, but luckily I don't experience that on a regular basis.

ANNA: That is certainly lucky. And once again, I can relate. I've had those kind of angry episodes and I do find that with medication, with therapy, with, you know, things like mindfulness, I am able to control myself much better.

MEGAN: Yeah, yeah, definitely. I think without it, it would be a lot worse.

ANNA: Megan, you mentioned medication, you mentioned therapy. What else helped you along your journey?

MEGAN: Definitely my writing. I'm writing a book right now. I'm writing a memoir and so I love to write. I think it's so freeing and so therapeutic.  Just to get all of your thoughts out there. And for my book, you know, to be able to tell my story, all of it, you know, the good, bad, the ugly. It's kind of like sharing your, you know, your diary with the world almost.

And it's kind of intimidating to think about in the future. But in the meantime, and something that I really enjoy doing, and it really does help me because I can get those racing thoughts out on paper and out of my head and it can kind of have a clear mind and feel better, especially when I'm trying to sleep and I can't because I have racing thoughts and you know I just can't.

Like, I'm too wired and I can't settle down. It's definitely a good time for me to write, and I just will take a note card or a journal or whatever and write the date down and just whatever thought comes to my mind, I'll just write it down even if it doesn't make sense, even if I don't finish like the word or if I manic and I'm just writing like, you know, super fast or you know, you name it. But that's definitely a huge coping skill for me and with my Instagram page.

I mean, I love, you know, the inspirational quotes and I'm, you know, trying to inspire positivity and people and help, and that makes me feel really good. I feel like if you touch one person's life or the better, like, it just, it makes you feel better.

So, yeah, so those have been great tools for me to help manage, you know, my symptoms, my bipolar, but definitely, you know, like I had had said before, like therapy, I'm definitely a huge advocate for therapy.

ANNA: Do you find that there's any particular kind of therapy that's the most helpful?

MEGAN: I think I do like CBT therapy. So, yeah. So, but I mean, it just feels like a conversation, you know? It's just so easygoing. So, I think it's just having that rapport with your therapist and feeling, you know, like you're validated and your thoughts and feelings and heard, and it's so, so important. And I'm so lucky to have ha you know, to have found someone like that where I feel that way and you know, my therapist has watched me grow and evolve over the years and really lets me know that and tells me that and, you know, kind of boosts my self, you know, self-worth a little bit, you know, seeing how far I've come.

ANNA: Yeah, for just for my listeners, CBT is cognitive behavioral therapy, and it is considered to be quite effective for bipolar, especially the depressive side of it. And Megan, I'm really glad that you mentioned going to therapy for quite a long time, for years because a lot of people go when they are in crisis and then stop going and maybe don't find it as helpful. I have been going for years. And that's how I feel you should be using therapy.

I understand not everybody can do that, but that is the most helpful is to keep going even though you are not experiencing any kind of crisis in your life.

MEGAN: Yeah, I definitely agree. Because then your therapist gets the full picture of you, not just you. When you're in crisis, you know, and suffering.

They get the, you know, the good side of you too, and they get to see you in all different lights. And my therapist definitely has, you know, from my happiest high highs to lowest lows, to panic attacks, to you know, you name it, he's seen it all. And I think that paints such a bigger picture for the therapist to be able to help you in your journey in healing.

ANNA: And Megan, to kind of start finishing up here, what do you wish people understood better about those of us who live with bipolar?

MEGAN: I had someone one time who I told that I had bipolar and they said to me, the response was, “Oh, I thought you were normal.” And so I was kind of like, oh, okay. So I wish people understood that there is no normal.

You know, everyone is healing from something, whether it be bipolar or not. Everyone has something that they're going through and so I really wish people understood that. You know, you're still, even though you have a label or a diagnosis, you're still you, you're still a person. It doesn't define you, you know but I mean, living with bipolar is really hard.

It's definitely like a rollercoaster and I know a lot, a lot of people say that and, but it's such a great analogy. You know, there are such high highs and such low lows and it's really hard. It's, you know, it's something that is a constant struggle, and you have to stay on top of it and you have to manage it and find something that works for you.

So again, I think showing kindness and grace to people with bipolar especially when they're in an episode and doing things that are uncharacteristic of them is so important just to get more understanding and awareness about it. I think, you know, is so crucial. For people. There's such a stigma around it.

You know, you hear the word bipolar, and you think you know such negative things and it's not true. You know, everyone's experiences it differently. So I think that yeah, I just wish there was a little bit more understanding and more, more grace surrounding it.

ANNA: That makes sense. I also wish for that when you said that, you know, somebody said, I thought you were normal. I myself had a visceral reaction to that because… Oof that. Yeah. That one hurts when people say that. So, Megan, any last words, anything that we haven't covered that you would like my listeners who live with bipolar to know?

MEGAN: Yeah, definitely. I definitely want people to know that you're not alone.

A lot of people have this and you, there's a great community of people who can support you and although sometimes things can get really dark, there's always hope. And I think it's important, like I said earlier, to find something that you're passionate about and kind of clinging to that, whether it be I anything that it could be, but like, and then therapy and medication if you're, you know, interested in that, I think that's super important.

And just be gentle with yourself. You know, be kind to yourself. Be gentle with yourself. Love yourself for who you are and not, you know, beat yourself up about things. Life's hard enough so we shouldn't beat ourselves up, you know, in the meantime. And, yeah, just try to continue living your best life and be the best version of yourself.

And, you know, you're, you're gonna have good days and bad days, but you know, there's always gonna be light at the end of the tunnel. And so yeah, I definitely want people to know that.

ANNA: That's a great message. I love that. That hope is so important. So many hopeless days. So many days when you feel like there is no light at the end of the tunnel and to hear somebody else with that lived experience say that no, there is, it really is possible to get a bit more stable.

To have a good life, to have kids, to have a business, to be writing a book, all of the things that you are doing. And having said all of that, where can my listeners find you to find some of these things that you're doing?

MEGAN: Yeah, my Instagram is @thisismegan_r, so you can find me on Instagram. I would love to you know, chat with anybody if they wanted to or have them check out my post and yeah, it's a great place to reach me.

ANNA: That's great. And you mentioned doing home decor. I wonder if you are on Etsy or any other website for that too.

MEGAN: I actually have an Instagram page for that as well. It's @handmadebymegan1. So yeah, so if anybody wants to check out my business page, they can certainly do so.  I post you can I post things that I make all the time and custom orders for people and I'm actually working on things right now to ship out. So yeah, definitely check that out.

ANNA: That's wonderful. Lots of options. And yeah. Megan, thank you so much for being here today for sharing your story. Your honesty is really powerful, and I think it goes a long way towards ending that stigma surrounding bipolar and mental illness in general. And I want to encourage my listeners to follow you on Instagram @thisismegan_r because you share wonderful and supportive content that really helps us all feel less alone.

MEGAN: Aw, thank you so much. That means the world to me.

ANNA: A big thank you to everyone listening to this episode. Please subscribe and leave a review to help me spread awareness and shatter stigma surrounding bipolar disorder and other mental illnesses. In the next episode, you will learn about bipolar type two. Until then, take care and stay courageous.