The Worst Advice Given To Couples
There is no question about it – many couples get some awful advice as they navigate the turbulent waters of love. Well-meaning parents, friends, and coworkers can do some serious damage by repeating this “wisdom” that’s been passed down through generations. Some of this advice is so ingrained in us that you may be giving it to yourself without any outside help!
Research often shows that our “common sense” approaches to relationships are completely wrong. Not only do we idealize early love, but we also minimize the importance of working on the relationship to achieve long-lasting satisfaction and happiness. You may have gotten - or even given - some of this advice yourself. Now you can learn what science says about love and relationships.
“Love Is All You Need”
Love comes in 3 stages: limerence, building trust, and building commitment. However, most romantic movies and books only focus on limerence, zooming in on so-called “honeymoon period” when every glance from your lover seems like an earth-shattering moment of intimacy. You can’t help it – your body is flooded with natural opiates and with hormones like oxytocin, called the “cuddle hormone.”
The “butterflies” usually last anywhere from 3 months to 3 years, after which time they get replaced with the reality of having to share your life with someone for the long haul. What we often refer to as “true love” – the kind of love that can withstand the test of time – is usually simple mutual respect and admiration plus great conflict management skills honed over the years.
“Enjoy It While It Lasts”
On the other side of the spectrum, you have the Negative Nancys who are convinced that your love is doomed from the start. They circle relationships like vultures, ready to pounce with an “I told you so!” when troubles emerge. As mentioned, that initial period of limerence does pass, but that does not mean that all good feelings go away.
The “butterflies” can grow into a strong emotional and intimate connection. Being “tied at the hip” can grow into having confidence that your partner has your back no matter what. Exploring each other’s worlds for the first time can grow into knowing exactly how to meet your partner’s needs – and having them fulfill yours.
“They Will Change”
Research shows that they won’t. 79% of conflict between partners is about so-called “perpetual issues,” which are disagreement due to fundamental differences in personality. If one of you has to hit snooze several times before getting out of bed, that’s not going away any time soon. And neither is the other’s wish for the kitchen to be spotless.
You will continue to have that same fight over and over again until you learn how to compromise and accept each other’s influence. The key is to know your core values that are uncompromisable and to find areas where you can meet in the middle, open to your partner’s views and dreams.
“No Sex Means No Love”
Sex is very important (61% of married adults agree), but its absence does not mean the relationship is doomed. Firstly, there are couples who simply do not view sex as a priority or necessity. Asexuality is not a problem in a relationship as long as libidos more or less match. If both partners are ace, sex is not even going to be on the table.
Secondly, there are many temporary issues that can dampen intimacy such as life transitions (parenthood, anyone?), stress, illness, and even positive events like starting a business or having a wedding. That’s right, wedding planning is so stressful, it can cool the premarital bed. “No sex” does not mean “no love.” Tell those advice givers to mind their own business!
“Stay For The Kids”
This advice is often given to couples on the brink of divorce, as if pretending to be happy has ever worked for anyone. Kids – even young ones – can usually see right through the masks. They know if their parents are emotionally distant no matter how hard the parents try to conceal this lack of connection. Also, each parent may struggle with depression and anxiety from being stuck in a loveless marriage.
What’s more, many couples who reached that point argue unabashedly in front of the kids, making a bad situation worse. While divorce is disrupting to children, it is better for them in the long term. Often, the best option is to part ways respectfully, learn to co-parent effectively, and consider short-term therapy for the children.
“Keep It Inside The Home”
We are socialized to believe that home trouble should stay at home. “Don’t air your dirty laundry” is what you might hear from your mother or aunt. People still act as if discussing one’s relationship with a trusted friend or seeking couples therapy is something to be ashamed of. It’s not! Yet unhappy couples wait an average of 6 years before seeking help.
A couples therapist will listen to both sides and not issues judgment. Instead, you will learn how to talk to each other without criticism and defensiveness. You will be taught skills to “reach across the aisle” and forgive each other after regrettable fights. You will have a chance to process past hurts with someone there to regulate emotions and keep it from getting out of hand.
Trust Yourself… And Science
Some of this advice has been repeated so often, you might believe it on a subconscious basis. But it is better to trust yourself and the science of relationships than these “pearls of wisdom.” If you don’t, your relationship and life satisfaction can head down a dangerous path because you might think that things aren’t working the way they “should.”
You and your partner can be happy without following some preconceived notions of the relationship experience. You can create your own story with your own wisdom and knowledge because you are the only experts on your lives and love. Parents and friends may have benign intentions, but their generic nuggets of “common sense” do more harm than good.
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