Emotionally Neglected Children Grow Into Emotionally Numb Adults
You may think that “neglect” is a strong word that should only be applied to extreme situations equivalent to abuse, but that’s not the case. Both physical and emotional neglect are a spectrum, and even well-meaning parents can land in this territory.
Some studies show that results of childhood emotional neglect are just as bad – if not worse – as results of physical and sexual abuse. This may be surprising to people who see neglect as a lighter form of abuse.
The Adverse Childhood Experiences study found that an estimated 15% of Americans go through emotional neglect as children. Make no mistake, emotional neglect can be traumatic.
An unmet emotional need is as much a trauma as an unmet need for food or shelter, but emotional neglect can be harder to recognize than its physical counterpart.
What Is Emotional Neglect?
Emotional neglect can range from a profound absence of love and nurturing to a mild dislike or disdain for emotional expression. Highly neglectful parents may leave the child without any interaction for hours, completely ignoring their emotional needs. Loving but misguided parents may react negatively to the expression of “bad” emotions like anger, sadness, or fear.
You were told to “cheer up” when you were sad
You were told that anger or other emotions were not acceptable
You were teased for being scared
You rarely or never talked with your parents about emotions
You were never made to feel special or important
You were told that emotions were shameful (“Compose yourself!”)
You were told to deal with upsetting emotions on your own (“Go to your room and don’t come out until you can control yourself!”)
You were threatened when you were sad (“I’ll give you something to cry about!”)
You were often left to your own devices as a child
You had to learn how to calm and soothe yourself
You were left to “cry it out”
You were often told to “stop being so dramatic”
What Does Emotional Neglect Do?
As an adult survivor of emotional neglect, you may have a feeling of “absolutely nothing” inside. You may be afraid of strong emotions and smile even when the subject of a conversation is dark and heavy. Emotions could be a foreign language to you, puzzling and strange in their complexity.
As adults, emotionally neglected people may:
Have low self-esteem
Be perfectionistic
Not know who they really are
Have a sense of not belonging, especially in social situations
Feel like an imposter despite evidence to the contrary
Have a sense of pride in never relying on other people
Find it difficult to ask for help
Act aloof or distant in relationships
Be told they are “emotionally unavailable”
Judge self more harshly than others
Feel alone even when with other people
Find it easier to love animals rather than people
Have difficulty identifying their own emotions and strengths
Want people to leave them alone on a regular basis
Find it easy to detach from people who used to be close to them
Use substances to numb emotions
How To Start Healing From Childhood Emotional Neglect
You don’t have to live with all these symptoms. Healing is possible and must start with accepting the fact that your parents neglected your emotional needs. Otherwise, you may end up feeling guilty for trying to resolve something you don’t believe to be real. No, it’s not all in your head.
1 - Educate Yourself
You can’t fight what you don’t understand. Emotional neglect can be tricky because it is categorized by an absence of something: emotional intelligence, self-esteem, a sense of identity. It can be hard to notice and even harder to treat because survivors often think that their symptoms are just a part of their personality.
Learning more about what emotional neglect looks like can be helpful in overcoming its consequences.
There are many resources to help you find your bearings. Consider reading some books by Dr. Jonice Webb, who dedicated her professional career to researching and treating childhood emotional neglect. Running on Empty and Running On Empty No More have helped thousands of people who grew up with emotionally unresponsive parents.
2 - Learn to Recognize Emotions
Increasing your emotional intelligence is a must if you want to heal. Start by expanding your emotional vocabulary – literally. Learn nuanced descriptions of emotions and use them when appropriate. Basic emotions like “angry” and “sad” have a whole bunch of subcategories.
Are you feeling enraged, indignant, or bitter? There is a difference. Are you experiencing disappointment, regret, or wistfulness? The distinction matters. The more curious you get about emotions, the better you will be able to see them in yourself and others.
3 - Learn to “Sit With” Emotions
Once you can recognize emotions, you must learn how to simply sit with them without repressing them or judging yourself for having them. One way to do this is to find the emotion in your body (a tight chest, a pit in the stomach, a chill running down the spine), then focus on the sensation.
Take a deep inhale, pause for a couple of seconds, then imagine yourself slowly exhaling the air through the place in your body where you found the emotion. Let the emotion come over you like a wave without fighting or analyzing it. Do this until emotion subsides or you feel a release.
This exercise will increase your tolerance to emotional expression in yourself and others. For example, you may find it easier not to shut down when your loved ones show emotions around you.
4 - Learn to Express Emotional Needs
The next important step is to communicate your emotional needs to others so that they may meet said needs. This is difficult because it requires you to open up and be vulnerable.
This is why the previous step of sitting and getting comfortable with emotions is key. Now, you have to be OK with feeling exposed and being at the mercy of another person.
Asking for support or care can be incredibly therapeutic. It opens you up to forming a bond of commonality with another human being who has needs of their own. “I’m feeling really aggravated and could use a hug. May I ask for one?” can go a long way when it comes to increasing emotional closeness.
5 - Learn to Prioritize Self-Care
Taking care of yourself means recognizing and respecting that you matter. Being clean, hydrated, and well-rested makes you feel better both physically and emotionally. At its core, self-care can be viewed as a way of resetting our emotional state.
You might want to create a self-care plan or simply stack a few habits on top of existing ones. For example, you can start doing 3 minutes of meditation after your brush your teeth. Either way, at least have a concrete plan for emergency self-care.
Emergency self-care is used when your emotional state is so unbearable that you need an immediate change of course. In these moments of emotional intensity, it can be hard to think straight. That’s why you need a pre-written list of things you can do to calm down and self-regulate.
When To Consider Therapy
If you have tried everything suggested above but are still unable to defeat the symptoms, you may need professional help. Choose wisely as not all therapists are equipped to treat childhood emotional neglect.
It’s especially important to seek therapy if you notice that your relationships with loved ones start to suffer because of your emotional neglect symptoms. For example, if your partner thinks you are emotionally unavailable, they are likely to distance themselves from you, leading to further trouble.
Of course, survivors of neglect find it difficult to ask for help – you will really have to step out of your comfort zone to reach out for therapy. You can also be fiercely independent, so you probably want to continue tackling things on your own. Has that worked out for you so far?
If you want change, then you must do something differently.
Therapy can be especially helpful if you feel that nagging emptiness inside. The right therapist can take you on an exploration of your psyche so that you may start forming an identity that is unafraid of feeling and expressing emotions.
Ideally, you want someone who is familiar with trauma and has a high emotional intelligence of their own. Of course, the latter is much harder to estimate on a consultation call. Always look for a therapist with whom you feel a connection during the initial contact. Chances are that this connection will continue as you begin your work together.
***
If you want therapy for childhood emotional neglect, please reach out today. Anna is trained to work with survivors of neglect and can help you find a way to a healthier, happier life.
