3 Huge Intimacy Problems and How to Handle Them

Relationships
Written By Anna Khandrueva

Physical intimacy can be a challenge for some people in relationships. In fact, it’s one of the top four reasons why couples fight (other three being money, division of labor, and child-rearing).

A healthy intimate life is a hugely important part of most romantic relationships (but not all – shoutout to Aces!). If you are not satisfied with frequency or quality – or other aspect of sex, chances are you are not very satisfied in your union.

Intimacy is really that important, yet we rarely talk about it – even with our partners. When was the last time you sat down and had a deep, non-conflictual discussion on sex? Many of us assume it should “just work” because we are supposedly purely biological creatures wired to have sex.

But things are not always this easy…

What Is Intimacy?

That’s a great question – one you should be asking yourself. What do you define as “intimacy?” Is it a vulnerable emotional connection or a deep sexual one? Or both?

We all get different messages around sex and intimacy from our childhood, adolescence, and young adulthood – right as our brains are forming. Parents, friends, teachers, cousins, and siblings… there are many groups that can influence our view of what intimacy is.

Understanding what the term “sex” means to you and to your partner is crucial to having a rich intimate life. Does sex involve non-sexual touching and verbal affection (foreplay)? Is intercourse necessary to be intimate? If so, does there have to be penetration and orgasm, or can it “count” as sex without those – for either or both partners?

Misunderstandings between lovers can lead to a host of issues, so can biological differences and a history of trauma. Whatever the cause, these three intimacy problems consistently come up in therapy…

Sexual Performance Anxiety      

Sexual performance anxiety (SPA) – and related inability to perform - is a very common complaint brought up in sex therapy. It affects up to 25% of men and 16% of women. In men, SPA can lead to erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation. For women, it can lead to a lack of desire and even pain during sex.

Sexual performance anxiety is a worry about future performance, and it becomes strengthened with each unsuccessful sexual encounter. It can also get generalized to non-sexual aspects of the relationship. A partner with SPA can start feeling anxious about the relationship overall and their partner’s feelings towards them.

Men tend to ruminate about their performance, thinking that not pleasing their partner means they are a failure not just sexually, but as a man. Women usually get sexual performance anxiety because they are not having or have not had good experiences with intercourse. It’s hard to feel desire for something you don’t enjoy.

Handling Sexual Performance Anxiety

Both men and women should first consult with their doctor to make sure there are no medical issues, but especially men. Erectile dysfunction is closely linked to heart disease: men with erectile dysfunction experience more than twice the number of heart attacks than men without it.

For women, 3 in 1 experience pain during sex. Often, it’s the penetration that’s the issue for both sexes. Men are worried they won’t be able to do it, women are worried it won’t feel good.

Both need to understand that vaginal sex is only a fraction of what can be considered “sex.” As a matter of fact, 75% of women cannot orgasm from penetration alone. Women are not “abnormal” for needing to take longer to warm up or wanting toys to finish the job. And men are not some sexual robots always at the ready! They, too, need foreplay.

As far as tools go, mindfulness meditation has been shown very effective at handling sexual performance anxiety for both men and women. It even helps partners feel more fulfilled sexually and in the relationship in general. Mindfulness meditation means maintaining “non-judgmental present-moment awareness.”

You have tons of options, here are some to get you started:

Differences in Libido

Having different levels of desire in a relationship is common. As a matter of fact, it is one of the most frequent causes for women and couples to seek sex therapy. Although some recent research is starting to question this, traditionally men were seen as having higher sex drives than women. Up to 30% of women report feeling low to no libido.

Libido can be affected by many factors, hormones being one of them. For example, one study found that higher levels of testosterone in women increase desire for solitary sexual activity but not for relational intimacy. Another study found that women’s desire differs throughout their menstrual cycle. Interestingly, low frequency of masturbation motivated desire more than higher testosterone levels in men.

Handling Differences in Libido

Understand your desire. Spontaneous desire means you can be ready for sex at a moment’s notice. The time from thinking about sex to experiencing desire and arousal is super short for you. Your desire usually comes right before your physiological arousal. This type of desire is most common for both men and women, although it is more common for men.

Responsive desire is more complicated. Here, you experience desire after arousal (aka after some sensual or sexual stimuli are already applied). It involves feeling emotionally intimate with your partner and having a general satisfaction with the relationship. Being open to receiving some stimulation before experiencing desire is key here. Responsive desire is more common in women. 30% of them experience it versus 5% of men.

If your desire types are different, the key is to set the stage for the responsive partner. Create the right context (which can mean silk sheets or a clean house with chores done), ensure emotional closeness (cuddle and look into each other’s eyes), and then move into sensual and sexual stimulation with the understanding that the responsive partner may not feel desire until after foreplay.

If you have never been interested in sex, you may be asexual. Asexual individuals do not experience sexual attraction, although they may be interested in sensuality. Much like many things in life, this is a spectrum. Read more here.

Here are some tools:

Fear of Intimacy

Fearing intimacy inevitably leads to avoiding it. We avoid what we fear and what we don’t understand. Many things can contribute to this fear, including social anxiety, avoidant personality disorder, and past performance issues. It’s important to know that a history of trauma, especially complex trauma, makes this fear more likely to pop up.

Handling a Fear of Intimacy

First, explore and befriend the fear. How has it helped you in life? Has it been keeping you safe? Is it there to keep you from showing your genuine sexual self to your partner because you are ashamed or embarrassed? What are the risks if this fear goes away? Is this fear a result of messages received from family and culture about sexuality? Is there a clear history of trauma leading up to the fear?

Then, start on non-sexual emotional connection. Agree to have regular times when you are present and loving with your partner with a strict agreement not to have sex. This will give the fearful partner a sense of safety and comfort so that they may start slowly expressing their sexuality. The key is to go slow – slower than you think.

Fear of intimacy can be difficult to handle if it reached level of a phobia. This may require professional help. Same goes for significant trauma. A history of abuse or assault may need to be processed in therapy for the fear to soften.

Try these practical ideas:

  • Connect emotionally by using question cards for couples during dates. This one is our fave!

  • Gradually, move to cards that discuss intimacy. Talking about sex is less scary than having it. Check these out!

  • Try Sensate Focus. It’s a sensual and mindful approach that gradually introduces partners to non-sexual and sexual ways to enjoy each other. It’s shown to increase comfort with sex as well as desire and satisfaction.

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    If you are experiencing intimacy issues in your relationship, let’s chat! You can greatly improve your sex life with therapy… then watch the rest of your relationship blossom.

Anna Khandrueva
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