3 Common Problems Faced by Couples - and How to Solve Them
There are 3 very common issues brought by people into couples therapy. Even the happy couples face one of these problems at some point in their lives. They can be fast to appear and hard to eliminate, sneaking their way into seemingly happy relationships. The good news is that all of these problems have solutions, although they take some effort and self-control to implement. Let’s take a look at the issues any couple can expect to pop up.
1. Conflict That’s Too Confrontational
In and of itself, conflict is not the end of the world. It’s how you fight that matters. Yelling, criticizing, slamming doors, getting defensive, calling each other names, storming off… needless to say these behaviors are not ideal. But is it truly possible to have conflict without them? Isn’t the whole point of conflict to confront each other and get angry about something?
Research shows that almost 70% of relationship problems are perpetual, meaning they are based on each partner’s personality traits and do not have a clear resolution. Accepting this is one way to avoid nasty confrontations – if you will be arguing about this forever, isn’t it better to find a way to do it nicely?
Believe it or not, having a conflict without losing your temper is possible. It happens when the couple moves from being staunchly against each other’s point of view into considering that the other person’s point of view is just as valid as theirs. Then, conflict becomes a conversation instead of an all-out battle. This sounds easier said than done, but there are concrete ways to get there.
First of all, it is useful to know that there are 4 particular behaviors that tend to emerge during conflict – and these behaviors are all associated with an increased risk of divorce or breakup. They are criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt. Dr. John and Julie Gottman, world-renowned marriage researchers, call this quad “The Four Horsemen of Apocalypse.” They also point out that couples with stable relationships have a ratio of 5:1 of positive to negative interactions during conflict.
Criticism does not have to be obvious to be damaging. Critical words can be said with a sweet tone and vice versa. The main feature of criticism is that it is directed at the partner’s perceived personality flaw rather than their behavior. “You didn’t do the dishes again, you’re so lazy!” will yield a predictably angry or defensive response. Generally, any negative sentiment expressed in a sentence that starts with a “you” will elicit a bad reaction.
To fight criticism, try starting any potentially confrontational conversation gently, by using “I” statements, stating the objective facts, and expressing a positive need. “I noticed the dishes weren’t done. I need them to be done by 4 so I can cook dinner” is much more likely to be met with attention and compliance. You can also express negative feelings in the same manner: “Honey, I feel unimportant because the dishes were not done even though I asked twice. I need them done by 4, please.”
Defensiveness is a natural reaction to criticism. What else can you do when you feel unjustly accused of somehow being bad? People rush to their own defense without considering the facts of the situation the second they hear an accusatory tone. Defensiveness can be a counterattack, an angry indignant reaction, or a whine about how unfair the accusation is. Either way, it only leads to more criticism and an escalation of conflict.
Instead of getting defensive, especially if your partner took the time and effort to start the conversation gently like described above, try to take some responsibility – any responsibility – for what triggered the criticism. “You have a point, you did ask me twice to do the dishes” is going to disarm the criticizing partner. “Like hell you did! And how am I supposed to know you needed them done before dinner?!” is not going to lead anywhere good. Even if you think you are 100% in the right – try to at least see the situation from their point of view and pick one tiny part where you can claim responsibility.
Stonewalling refers to a distancing behavior where one partner stops listening, gets a glazed look on their face, or even walks away entirely. Stonewalling, like defensiveness, is a reaction to criticism, although it has physiological roots. When someone stonewalls, they are likely “flooded,” meaning their nervous system is so aroused and overloaded that it’s short circuiting the brain. Flooding occurs when the heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute (80 for very fit people).
The antidote to stonewalling is to self-soothe. The partner who is being flooded must recognize this fact, ask for a timeout, and remove themselves from the situation. They should engage in an activity that will take their mind off the conflict instead of stewing in the negativity or coming up with responses to their partner’s criticisms. Exercise, listening to music or podcasts, checking social media or playing with the dog can all be valid ways of self-soothing. Once the heart rate goes back down, the conversation can resume.
Contempt is the worst of them all. This one behavior was the most likely to lead to divorce in studies completed by John Gottman. Contempt can come in forms of sarcasm, condescension, hostile humor, offensive mimicking, and eye rolling, among others. It is extremely damaging to the relationship because it communicates that one partner thinks they are somehow superior to the other. “I see Your Highness is on the couch again, not doing the dishes” said with a sneer can be cruel and destructive to a person’s psyche.
What helps with contempt is to have genuine, heartfelt appreciation and admiration for one another. You cannot feel smugly superior to someone you truly respect. This is the time to think of what your partner does for you that no one else quite can. How they brighten your day, how they open up your life to new possibilities, how they dote on you when you are sick. Of course, this can be hard to do after contempt became the norm. That’s why couples who communicate with contempt usually end up in therapy.
2. A Lack of Emotional Connection
The most common cause of couples going their separate ways is emotional distance – not conflict or a lack of communication. This may sound surprising at first, but think about it – isn’t being emotionally close to someone the whole point of being in a relationship with another human being? What’s surprising is that many couples end up going for years despite having lost all connection – because of the kids or maybe because of what people might think if they were to divorce. Existing in a relationship without emotional closeness is robotic and unfulfilling, it feels like going to work or to the dentist.
One way to close the emotional gap is to turn toward your partner’s “bids for connection.” A bid for connection is simply a request from one partner to another to engage with them in some way: physically, verbally, emotionally. If your partner likes showing you videos of funny dances on TikTok, let them. They are making a bid for connection because they crave the sound of your laughter. Same goes for when they ask you for a back scratch or invite you to go out with their work friends. In Gottman’s research, people who stayed together after 20 years tended to turn towards each other’s bids almost 90% of the time.
Another way to feel closer is to make sure you get your quality time together. Decide what time of day and days of week you are both relatively relaxed and not in a rush. Schedule an activity for those times and hold yourselves to it by setting reminders and giving each other tasks to prepare (“You buy the wine, I’ll make the dinner”). You can also steal smaller moments during the day by texting genuinely appreciative words to your partner or simply kissing. If you choose the latter, make sure your kiss lasts at least 6 seconds – that’s what John Gottman calls “a kiss with a promise.”
3. A Lack of Shared Meaning
Many couples manage fine with day-to-day routines and to-do lists. They may have fun together and appreciate each other. However, they do not always have a sense of shared meaning. This refers to their common goals, dreams, and aspirations – visions of their future together and reasons for why these visions are the way they are. Too few couples work on meaningful projects together, and even fewer look far into the future and talk about what they see for each other.
Your partner might be great at getting the kids fed and entertained, but do you know how they see your life together in 5, 10, 20 years? You both might like to watch dancing competitions – but could you ever guess your partner dreams of entering one? A system of shared meaning is a network that intertwines individual and relationship goals into a beautiful web of possibilities. Maybe you want to travel and your partner wants to volunteer – so you sail off to help farmers in Ecuador together.
One way to create shared meaning is to really know your partner’s view of themselves, the world, and the future. This can be done by asking each other open-ended questions about the meaning of “home,” “retirement,” “play,” “legacy,” and other “big” words. Get curious about your partner’s world and dreams. Another way is to start setting future goals together as well as make sure you know each other’s personal goals so you can be each other’s cheerleaders.
Shared meaning can also be created through rituals – repetitive events or behaviors that have significance to the people involved and perhaps no one else. It could be coming back to the same diner once a year with the family because that’s where you found out you were going to be a parent. It could be buying a lottery ticket once a month – not to win, but to have an excuse to fantasize about what you would do with the money together. It could be having dinner together every night because your parents never did. Some couples even start a book club, taking turns reading the same book and having literary discussions over lunch.
How To Know If You Need Couples Therapy
Couples wait an average of 6 years of being in trouble before finally seeking help. Don’t be a statistic – the earlier you go, the better the results. If you feel like criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling, and contempt show up in your relationship all the time and cannot be controlled, it is definitely time to try some couples therapy. Same goes for situations where there is so much emotional distance between the two of you that you forgot what it’s like to feel felt and understood by one another.
If you don’t feel comfortable being vulnerable with your partner and can’t open up to them about your deep fears and future dreams, it’s time to make that appointment. Creating shared meaning can be easy for couples who have an emotional connection and know how to manage conflict, but it can be almost impossible if the closeness and mutual respect are not there. Disagreements over parenting are another reason to consider couples therapy. Finally, there are also obvious situations, like infidelity or trying to decide if divorce is the only option.
Couples therapy can even be helpful when there is no trouble on the horizon. Being proactive and learning conflict management skills before you need them is a pro relationship move. Ultimately, use your gut to decide if you need some extra help. And if your partner won’t go - you can still come in and learn skills on your own as changing one side of the equation will lead to changing the other.
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