#14: Sacred Spaces: How to Create a Refuge for Emotional Well-Being
DECEMBER 12, 2024
Powered by RedCircle
In this episode, Anna explores the significance of creating a personal refuge space at home, particularly for trauma survivors. She discusses the brain's need for safety cues and guides listeners through setting up a sanctuary to foster emotional regulation and healing. The episode also features a guided visualization exercise to demonstrate how to mentally utilize the sanctuary space for relaxation and healing.
Mentioned in This Episode:
Download your free sanctuary checklist here.
Episode #11: Mindfulness in Trauma Recovery
Episode #13: Finding Calm in Chaos
***
[00:49] Understanding the Importance of Safety
[01:35] The Brain's Response to Danger and Safety
[03:10] Creating a Safe Space at Home
[07:02] Practical Tips for Your Sanctuary Space
[13:42] Mindfulness and Emotional Regulation
[21:28] Guided Visualization for Relaxation
Transcript
Anna: Hello friends, welcome to the Courage to Heal podcast. Today we will be talking about a very important but often neglected topic, how to create a refuge space at home. Home is where we rest and recuperate, but how many of us can say that they have a truly safe and peaceful place in their house or apartment where they can focus on their emotional well-being?
Today, we will take a look at why that's actually so important, especially for anyone who has encountered trauma in their life. And I will walk you through creating your personal, physical, and mental sanctuary where you can feel safe, regulated, and restored. Let's get started by understanding how a sense of safety is so important for all of us, but especially for trauma survivors.
When we feel unsafe or on high alert, our brain signals to our body to start producing stress hormones like adrenaline and cortisol. Our pupils dilate, our breathing accelerates, heart rate and blood pressure rise, blood flow and stream of glucose to the muscles increase, organs not vital in survival, such as the gastrointestinal system, slow down.
All of this is done in order to make us ready to fight or flee from the perceived danger. Here is the surprising thing. The default state for our brain is that of caution and vigilance. In other words, it's not the case that signs of danger make our brain perk up. It's already permanently perked up to help us survive.
It's the case that signs of safety help our brain calm down from this state of vigilance to a state of calm and relaxation. That means that we only inhibit our stress response when we clearly perceive safety. In other words, the brain's goal is to keep you alive, not happy. So the brain is always trying to predict what happens next so it can take action to help you survive.
And if it can't have that predictability, then it will keep encouraging the body to produce stress hormones. In trauma survivors, this whole loop is magnified. Their brain is particularly predisposed to seeing danger everywhere. They have an overactive amygdala, which is an almond shaped structure in the brain that acts like a smoke alarm, alerting us to threats.
Imagine if your house smoke alarm was overly sensitive and went off every time you made toast or cooked a meal. Your quality of life would certainly suffer.
In order for trauma survivors to feel at peace, they need to see and feel deliberate signs of safety around them. Deliberate signs of safety. Even then, they need to remind their brain that safety is attainable through mindfulness and intentional relaxation. In other words, feeling safe is very hard work for them.
And again, why is feeling safe so important? Well, it's because it allows the brain to operate in a relaxed state, enabling peak cognitive processing, learning, and decision making. Without that feeling of safety, we are in a perpetual state of fight or flight, which just isn't healthy for us. Without feeling safe, all our brain is concerned with is survival, not optimal functioning.
You want your brain to function optimally? You need to get out of that survival state. A few episodes ago, I talked about what continuous release of cortisol does to a human body in my Trauma 101 episode, and it's not pretty. It can result in all kinds of issues, including autoimmune diseases, diabetes, infertility, heart disease, and even cancer.
To summarize all of this, in order for us to stay healthy and in peak mental condition, we need to give our brain a break from constant vigilance. In order for trauma survivors to heal the damage done to their nervous system, they need to experience the feeling of safety as much as possible. Staying emotionally regulated is good for us.
Safety is good for us. So, how do we signal to our brain that we are safe? I already mentioned predictability as being important in communicating safety. So we need something predictable, like a dedicated space we can go back to again and again to make our brains happy. And for most of us, that place that makes the most sense to hold that dedicated safe space is our home.
After all, home is where you can be your authentic self. Home is a place where you can be silly, hopeful, earnest, vulnerable, confused, and whatever else you may be feeling. Home is where the mask comes off. It is in our homes that we can build a sanctuary that can aid emotional regulation, provide comfort, and act as a foundation.
for deeper healing work. And I can tell you right now that having such a sanctuary space at home absolutely crucial for trauma survivors. You must create this nest for yourself, this place of comfort. Not only does it help with feelings of safety, it is also an act of self care, reminding you that you are worthy of such gestures.
I hope that by now you've started to analyze your home to see if it has such a safe space. I wouldn't expect the entire house to be your sanctuary, but you should have one predictable spot for intentional relaxation. An emotional retreat, if you will. Don't have one? Don't worry. I will guide you and give you practical tips to create such a space in your home.
Before we get started on that, I want to encourage you to not let perfectionism take over and put you into analysis paralysis. It's easy to start thinking, my home is not picture perfect. It's not like those houses you see in magazines with plenty of options for a sanctuary space. Maybe you live in a tiny apartment or an older home that needs repairs.
Maybe you have a big noisy family preventing you from finding a quiet cozy spot for yourself. If that's the case, I want you to get creative and simply do the best with what you have. Let's start with the basics. You should pick a spot that feels as comfortable, quiet, and private as possible. It doesn't have to be large, even a small corner can be powerful.
The space should reflect your unique needs and personality to enhance the feeling of safety. This is the fun part. You get to decorate the space however you want. as long as it communicates relaxation, comfort, and predictability to your brain. You might want to get started by using soft textures like blankets, pillows, and rugs to create a comforting environment.
You also want to consider the colors you are using. Maybe you like neutral shades or maybe you are a colorful soul. Just pick something that makes you happy. Keep in mind that color psychology experts tell us that blue and green are the most calming colors. Too much yellow or red can cause overstimulation, but a little bit can make for a nice splash of color.
You also want to consider your lighting. Go for soft, warm, muted light. Natural light with an option to dim it with blinds or curtains can be great. Studies have shown that natural light has a powerful and often positive effect, not only on mental health. but also on physical health and general well-being.
If you can't go natural, use lamps with dimmer, softer light bulbs, or consider candles and fairy lights. Personally, I love those flameless battery-operated candles that have the flickering flame effect. I have them in my office.
To continue pleasing your sense of sight, consider including artwork or natural elements that evoke peace and comfort. Think plants, scenic pictures, and pictures of loved ones and friends. Pictures of cute and happy animals also work to activate our social engagement system that helps us regulate emotionally, so feel free to include those.
You also want to please your sense of smell, so consider scents like lavender or chamomile, known for their calming properties. Lavender is particularly powerful. Exposure to lavender essential oils significantly inhibited anxiety and depression like behaviors in rats and mice. and application of oral lavender for six weeks in people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder showed significant improvements of their general mental health status and quality of life.
Lavender has even been shown to reduce pain. and improve cognitive function. It is truly an amazing scent, and I really want to encourage you to use it in your sanctuary space. Finally, consider your sense of hearing. You may want to get a sound machine to make ocean waves or rain sounds or a wireless speaker to play calming music.
If your home is noisy, consider noise canceling headphones or just good old-fashioned earplugs. That's where you get to be creative and do what works for you. You may want to include other objects that bring you comfort and joy, like crystals, stones, rattles, bird feathers, figurines, beads, and oracle or affirmation cards.
If you journal or draw, this might be the perfect place to stash your journaling and art supplies. I hope that you are starting to get a good picture of what the sanctuary space might look like for you. It should be a reflection of who you are when you are at your most peaceful and joyful. If you need inspiration, you can always go on Pinterest and look for “Meditation Corners.”
But again, don't let perfectionism get in the way. You don't need a ton of supplies to make this space work. Sometimes just a pillow, a blanket, and a candle is all you need.
Now that you have an idea of what to put in this space, let's discuss some boundaries you may want to set for it. This is your healing sanctuary, not a place for work or social gatherings. You may choose to only enter it for self-care purposes and keep it free from disruptive activities to preserve its purpose.
No doomscrolling in here. This is where the word sacred may start to come into view. This doesn't mean the space is religious or spiritual, simply that you have a special respect for it. The more you respect this emotional refuge, the more you will respect yourself and your right to go on an emotional retreat.
Okay, let's say you have your physical sanctuary space all figured out. Now what? What do you do there, especially if you're not the type to meditate? Well, you can do many activities in the space, from reading to journaling to simply being there, mindfully and joyfully. When was the last time you simply were in a pleasant space without any particular purpose?
Our culture tells us that everything must have a purpose and be somehow productive and move us towards our goals. But what if your goal is simply to relax and feel safe? In that case, mindfulness is your best friend. You should always aim to practice mindfulness in the sanctuary space. And you can do so in multiple ways.
If you want to learn more about what mindfulness can do for you, especially when it comes to trauma recovery. Listen to my episode on that, episode number 11. Here I will just say that regularly practicing mindfulness makes visible structural changes in our brains, calming down our amygdala and making our prefrontal cortex more robust, which helps with emotional regulation.
So what are some of these ways to practice mindfulness? One is to simply sit and notice everything around you as if you are seeing and touching it for the very first time. Just slow down and notice your surroundings with fresh eyes. You can try various grounding and breath work techniques, like the ones I mentioned in my episode on grounding practices for anxiety, episode 13.
My favorite grounding exercise to do while sitting in my sanctuary space is visualizing a calm place in nature and walking myself through imagining it with all of my senses. You can also try a loving kindness meditation or affirmations for safety and worthiness, such as, “I am safe,” “I am worthy of peace,” or “I am in control of my space.”
What you are really doing when practicing mindfulness in your home sanctuary is conditioning yourself to feel calm and relaxed in that particular space. Just like Pavlov's dog, your brain will find it familiar and predictable to feel safe and relaxed here. which is exactly the goal. Your sanctuary enhances mental safety by providing a structured space where these mental practices can thrive.
The key is to practice here regularly, daily if possible. You don't want to wait to use your refuge until you are upset or worried. Because if you only go there when feeling emotionally disturbed, your brain will associate that space with feeling unwell. And you won't have a safe space, you'll have a worry spot.
Of course, you can still use it in times of distress, that's kind of the point of the emotional retreat, but you need to first practice being calm and mindful in there. This means you need to build a routine, because remember how our brain likes predictability? So you need to build a routine where you go to your sanctuary space, let's say every morning for meditation, or every evening for reflection, or during lunchtime for some mindfulness.
Whatever works for you goes, but it needs to be consistent. And it doesn't need to be big. You don't need to meditate in your sanctuary space for an hour for this to be successful. Small but consistent steps are best. In other words, it's better to do shorter grounding and mindfulness exercises more frequently to get your brain conditioned to the idea that this is your safe space.
Five minutes every day is much better than one hour a week, once a week. And I want to acknowledge that this is hard. Especially trauma survivors, they often carry the weight of experiences that make it really hard to trust the world, others, or even themselves. And for many of them, feeling safe is not as simple as locking the door or finding a quiet place.
That's just one part of the equation. Trauma rewires the brain in profound ways. Keeping the nervous system on high alert, even when there is no danger. Your body might tense, your mind might race, and your heart might pound. All reminders that the past has planted seeds of fear that can bloom unexpectedly, even in the calmest environments.
This can make it challenging to truly relax, even in a space that feels safe to others. If you've ever felt this way, please know that you are not alone. This struggle is not a reflection of weakness. It's a testament to how deeply your survival instincts have worked to protect you. Trauma doesn't just fade automatically when we're in a safe environment.
Healing takes time, compassion, and small steps toward trust. Trust in your surroundings, in others, and most importantly, in yourself. It's okay to feel conflicted about safety. What matters is that you honor where you are right now. Take it one moment at a time and remind yourself that your journey is valid.
Healing doesn't mean you failed when you feel unsafe. It just means you're human and working toward reclaiming your space and your peace.
To make it easier for you to create your sanctuary space, I want to give you a free checklist that goes through everything I mentioned on this episode in a neat, organized way. You can just go down the list and check items off, getting ideas for what you can do with your home refuge. I will put a link to download it in the show notes.
It's absolutely free and it's a huge help in helping you get organized. It even gives you ideas for what you can do mindfulness wise in this space.
Before we end today's episode, I want to show you a demonstration of a calming technique you can use in your sanctuary space in order to get your brain used to feeling relaxed there. It's that visualization of a peaceful place that I mentioned earlier. You can use this part of this episode to actually practice this technique in your sanctuary space. As long as you're not driving, if you are in a place where you feel like you can relax and maybe close your eyes, just try it with me right now.
So go ahead and close your eyes if it feels safe for you or you can just soften your gaze and direct it towards the floor.
Take a few deep breaths, feeling your chest and belly rise up with each one and feeling them relax with each exhale.
Now think of a place, real or imaginary, where you can feel calm and peaceful. This could be a place in nature or a cozy room in your house. Because we are using our imagination, you can make this place appear in any way you want. For example, it can have just the right temperature, just the right spaciousness, just the right sounds or smells.
Once you have this space in your mind, I want you to look around and just notice what you can see.
Notice the objects around you.
Notice the colors.
Notice the shadows and the quality of the light.
Notice what time of day it is.
Notice what is moving and what is still.
When you can really see the details of this place, quietly inside of yourself, name three things you can see. For example, you might say, “I can see the blue sky.”
When that is done, notice the sounds in this place.
Notice the up close, clear, and obvious sounds.
And notice the more quiet or distant sounds.
When you can really hear the soundscape in this place, quietly to yourself, name three sounds.
Now, notice the temperature in this place.
Notice whether there is a breeze or if the air is standing still.
Picture yourself touching the area around you with your hands.
Go slowly.
When you are ready, name to yourself three things you can touch, noticing their texture and temperature. For example, you might say to yourself, “I can feel the soft, warm fabric of the towel.”
When that is done, notice the smells in this place.
Notice the obvious up-close smells, as well as the more subtle ones.
Quietly to yourself, name three smells.
Now let yourself take a moment to just be in this place. Noticing what you can see, hear, touch, and smell.
Feel the peaceful state that comes with being in this place.
Take a deep breath and notice the place in your body that feels the most grounded and relaxed right now.
Find that place and notice what specific sensations are telling you that this place in your body is the most at ease, the most relaxed.
And now feel these sensations slowly spreading from that one place in your body to the rest of your body.
Nice and gentle. Let that feeling of peace spread all over your body.
Take one final deep breath in. Make this the deepest and slowest breath you've taken all day.
Great job. I hope this little demonstration was useful to you to see exactly what to do mentally in your physical sanctuary space. Feel free to use this part of the podcast for relaxation whenever you need it. It's a technique used in EMDR therapy, and I use it with my clients very often. It's really quite effective.
Okay, so today we really dive deep into the importance of creating a sacred refuge space at home. Especially for trauma survivors, who often struggle to feel safe, even in calm environments. We explored how trauma rewires the brain, keeping it on high alert and making true relaxation a challenge. We talked about how by intentionally designing a physical and mental sanctuary, a space that's quiet, comfortable, and personalized, you can signal safety to your brain and start the process of healing.
I shared practical tips on how to create this space, from choosing calming colors and soft textures to incorporating soothing scents and sounds. The goal is to make the space a consistent, predictable haven where mindfulness and grounding practices can flourish, helping to retrain your brain to feel peace.
Whether your sanctuary is a cozy corner or a full room, it's all about honoring your need for safety and creating a foundation for emotional regulation and healing. I hope you feel ready to take the first step towards creating this space in your home. Go and find the perfect location for this emotional refuge.
and start building up your sense of safety today. Thank you all so much for spending this time with me. I hope you leave feeling a little lighter and more empowered on your journey. Remember, healing takes time and you're exactly where you need to be. Take care of yourselves. And until we meet again, be kind to your heart.
