Living with Perfectionism: How to Manage Anxiety and Embrace “Good Enough”
Perfectionism can feel like both a friend and a foe. Striving for excellence may indeed support personal growth, but when it shifts into a relentless pursuit of “perfect,” anxiety often follows. This constant inner critic can leave you feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and plagued by the fear of never being “good enough.”
Ask yourself honestly, “Is my desire for perfection helping me, or is it keeping me from feeling my best?” If you don’t know when to stop pursuing perfection or if you tend to use a lot of self-criticism in your effort to motivate yourself to be perfect, you are likely suffering from perfectionism-related anxiety and maybe even depression.
What Is Perfectionism-Related Anxiety?
Perfectionism-related anxiety is the distress you feel when your expectations for yourself are so high that you can never seem to meet them. It’s the worry that mistakes are unacceptable and that you will be judged harshly for even the smallest imperfections. This form of anxiety keeps you stuck in a cycle of self-criticism and fear, impacting everything from work to relationships.
This kind of constant anxiety can eventually lead to depression and even suicidality. Just ask Molly Booker, the author of “The Magic in the Mess -” a beautiful, heartfelt story of a recovering perfectionist. Molly describes a life of constant “efforting” to be perfect and lovable only to discover that “the magic of life isn’t in perfection, but in the beautiful chaos of being true to oneself.”
You can hear my interview with Molly, where we take a deep dive into perfectionism, HERE.
The Impact of Perfectionism
Perfectionism affects mental and emotional well-being in a variety of ways:
Fear of Failure: A perfectionist often feels paralyzed by the possibility of not achieving their ideal standard. This can lead to procrastination, as starting a task feels too overwhelming.
Burnout: Constantly trying to meet unrealistic standards can leave you feeling depleted and stressed. Your mind never gets a break from self-criticism, leading to emotional and physical exhaustion.
Low Self-Esteem: Even if you achieve your goals, perfectionism makes it difficult to feel accomplished. You may find yourself obsessing over minor details you could have done better, rather than celebrating your successes.
Relationship Strain: High expectations can seep into your relationships, making it difficult to connect with others or accept support. You might worry about being judged or feel overly critical of loved ones.
Practical Steps to Manage Perfectionism-Related Anxiety
1. Recognize and Challenge Perfectionistic Thoughts
The first step to managing perfectionism-related anxiety is awareness. Start by observing your thoughts when you feel anxious about not being perfect or being “not good enough.”
Ask yourself:
"Is this thought realistic?"
"What’s the worst thing that could happen if I don’t meet this standard?"
"Would I judge a friend as harshly as I am judging myself?"
Challenge these thoughts by reframing them. For example, instead of thinking, “I have to get this right, or I’ll be a failure,” try, “Doing my best is enough, and mistakes are part of the learning process.”
2. Set Achievable Goals
Perfectionists often set goals that are nearly impossible to meet. Break down your goals into manageable steps and set realistic, flexible deadlines. Ask yourself, “What would a good enough, not perfect, outcome look like?” This can help reduce pressure and give you a sense of progress.
3. Practice Self-Compassion
Self-compassion is the antidote to the harsh self-criticism that fuels perfectionism. When you make a mistake or feel anxious about your performance, practice self-kindness. Remind yourself that everyone has flaws and setbacks. A simple self-compassion exercise is to place your hand over your heart and repeat, “I am doing the best I can. I am worthy, even if I’m not perfect.”
Molly Booker also recommends a compassionate self-forgiveness practice in which you place your hand over your heart and say things like “I forgive myself for thinking I am not good enough. I forgive myself for thinking I am ugly/unlovable/broken…” Molly credits this practice as crucial in her slow but steady journey towards self-love.
4. Embrace Mistakes as Learning Opportunities
Perfectionism often comes from a fear of making mistakes. However, mistakes are essential for growth. When you slip up, view it as a chance to learn rather than a reflection of your worth. Ask, “What can I learn from this experience?” Shifting your perspective can reduce the anxiety associated with making errors.
5. Set Boundaries with Your Time and Energy
Perfectionists may feel compelled to overcommit or spend excessive time on tasks. Learning to set boundaries can help. Practice saying no to extra responsibilities that add unnecessary stress, and give yourself permission to stop working on something when it reaches “good enough.”
6. Engage in Mindfulness Practices
Mindfulness can be a powerful tool for managing anxiety. By focusing on the present moment, you can reduce the constant worry about meeting future expectations. Try a short daily meditation where you observe your breath and let go of judgmental thoughts as they arise. Grounding techniques, like deep breathing and progressive muscle relaxation, can also help soothe anxiety when it flares up.
Check out my meditations below to get a taste of mindfulness:
7. Remember About Self-Care
Perfectionists tend to push and even punish themselves when they perceive themselves as not doing enough or not doing their best. It’s important to remember that taking care of your body, your mind, and your nervous system is a non-negotiable for us humans. Make sure to eat full meals, drink water, stretch, and take short breaks, even when you are engrossed in completing tasks and being productive. Self-care is not about taking bubble baths – it’s about taking small but consistent actions to love yourself.
8. Seek Support When Needed
If perfectionism and anxiety feel unmanageable, consider reaching out for professional support. Therapy, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) and Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy, can help you reframe perfectionistic thinking and develop healthier coping strategies. Connecting with others who understand your struggles can also be incredibly healing.
Finding Freedom from Perfectionism
Overcoming perfectionism-related anxiety is a lifelong journey that requires patience and self-compassion. Remember, you are more than your accomplishments. The process of growth often involves missteps, and that’s perfectly okay. By taking small steps to challenge your perfectionistic tendencies and embrace your worthiness, you can find a more balanced, joyful approach to life.
Takeaway Action Steps:
Start with one small goal: Practice self-compassion or reframe one perfectionistic thought this week.
Schedule time for rest: Remind yourself that you are worthy of relaxation and self-care.
Write down one accomplishment daily: Focus on what you did well, rather than what you could have done better.
Perfectionism may feel like a part of who you are, but it doesn’t have to control your life. You deserve to live free from the anxiety that striving for perfection brings. Take it one day at a time, and remember: You are worthy, just as you are.
