Bipolar Disorder and Relationships: Challenges and Solutions

If your relationship is struggling because one of you has bipolar disorder, you are not alone. Statistics show that up to 90% of marriages involving a person with bipolar end in divorce. It can be extremely difficult to maintain a stable, loving connection when one of you carries the burden of this illness while the other is trying to take care of them. It’s no wonder you are both stressed out!

Bipolar disorder is a lifelong diagnosis that causes the person to move between episodes of mania, where they feel amazing but cannot comprehend the consequences of their actions, and episodes of depression, where they fall into a deep hole of despair and inaction. Bipolar carries with it an increased risk of suicide and a constant theme of unpredictability.

People who suffer from bipolar often suffer from other problems like anxiety, irritability, ADHD, and excessive substance use. Now imagine having to juggle these symptoms with the task of maintaining a happy relationship, which is hard enough on its own. Many couples already struggle with communication and conflict even without a mental health diagnosis. Adding bipolar to the mix can be make it combustible.

Challenges Facing the Bipolar Partner

The bipolar partner faces an enormous emotional burden of having to deal with exhausting changes in mood. Depression alone is hard enough, but then mania or hypomania comes along, resulting in words better left unsaid and actions better left untaken. Anxiety is a big part of having bipolar, too. All together, these moods and emotions take a huge toll on the relationship.

Then there is bipolar anger and extreme irritability. This one is hard to explain without experiencing it because it’s really unlike regular anger that usually has a clear trigger. The bipolar partner can wake up feeling incredibly irritable for no reason – a state where innocent remarks or actions of others cause an intense, burning, all-consuming anger to erupt. The bipolar partner can be harsh and critical, go on never-ending rants, and seem to ignore the impact of their actions on others, especially during mania.

It’s easy to see how this anger, along with other elements of bipolar, can lead to feelings of deep shame and guilt. People with bipolar almost inevitably end up hurting their loved ones one way or another. When the angry fog has passed, an intense guilt emerges – after all, they didn’t want to hurt anyone. The bipolar partner can also feel a lot of shame about things they did or said to others that were foolish or eccentric.

Challenges Facing the Partner Without Bipolar

The partner without bipolar carries the caregiver burden. They knowingly decide to work harder and be more accepting by dating or marrying someone with bipolar. Sometimes, they singlehandedly manage the whole household if their partner is completely incapacitated. They are the ones having to call hospitals and see the partner at their worst.

This makes them hypervigilant about any signs of impending doom – at all times. There is always a fear – no matter how slight – that the bipolar partner may take drastic actions like going off the meds when they “feel better” or committing suicide in the throes of depression. There is also a fear of other decisions, like the bipolar partner spending an exorbitant amount of money on their latest manic endeavor or cheating while they are experiencing hypersexuality.

The undiagnosed partner also suffers from anger and guilt. Sometimes, it’s anger at their decision to stick around. Other times, it’s anger about their perceived failures as a supportive partner. They can lose their temper and patience after yet another episode or outburst. The guilt about not being a “good enough” partner follows soon after.

Finally, there can be so-called rescue fantasies of being able to somehow “cure” the bipolar partner and never having to deal with the fallout of this disorder again. It is tempting to think that every problem has a solution if you only try hard enough. Sadly, bipolar disorder has no cure and can only be managed, not eliminated.

What Can We Do to Improve the Relationship?

Educate Yourselves

Knowledge is power, especially so when it comes to mental illness. Knowing everything about bipolar can help both of you take advantage of the good times and stick together during the bad times. You should understand the symptoms, the available treatments, and what to watch out for. You can do your own research from verified and credible sources or talk to a mental health professional to get the full picture.

Know the Triggers, Signs, and Coping Skills

The partner with bipolar should identify the triggers that may set off an episode and the warning signs that signal the onset of mania/hypomania and depression. The partner without bipolar should know these well – and have a signal to communicate potential danger to their partner. Both of you should learn coping skills, so that you can implement them together. Not only will this have a practical effect – it will make the partner with bipolar feel less alone.

Reduce Stress and Conflict

Increased stress means an increased risk of an episode. This one is more on the partner without bipolar because it can be hard for the affected person to reduce stress when they are already overwhelmed. Remind your partner to slow down and take breaks. Take a few chores and tasks off their hands. Let them vent to you after a long day at work. It will pay off when they are stable and able to take care of you! Couples therapy can also help you learn new conflict management skills.

Create Rituals of Connection

By its nature, bipolar is unpredictable. Having pre-determined rituals of connection, like a 15-minute daily conversation about something other than the to-do list, going on a monthly date, or giving each other a short backrub before bed as a part of your routine can give you both some much-needed stability.

These rituals are like anchors you can drop in the stormy bipolar seas. They give you something stable and reassuring to look forward to, easing the ups-and-downs. You can always try couples therapy using the Gottman Method, which focuses on teaching how to create rituals of connection.

Decrease Substance Use - Together

Excessive substance use can trigger episodes and is a problem for people with bipolar in general. It’s no fun to be sober alone – your partner with bipolar can feel left out or even betrayed if you indulge in alcohol and other substances without them. This is a big ask, but it will save both of you a lot of headaches and turmoil. You don’t have to quit everything – just use moderation and watch out for those warning signs you identified earlier.

Go Play

Here’s the truth: some stable people with bipolar feel just a little bit boring without the flashy grandiosity of mania. They report that they’ve lost a part of their eccentric creativity, an inner fire that’s both dangerous and tempting. Their partner can remind them that there is still a candle flame burning inside by playing together.

Whether it’s trivia or bouldering or a random game of hide-and-seek, play is essential to maintaining an emotional connection and avoiding low moods. The opposite of play is not work, it’s depression. Being playful can include things like trying out new places to eat, pretending to meet at a bar as strangers, and even going to an actual playground – when was the last time you went down a slide?

What NOT to Do

Don’t Say “Control Yourself!” to Your Partner

If they could, they would. Bipolar disorder is a serious mental illness, and sometimes it gets the best of your partner. It’s a fact that should be accepted to avoid unrealistic expectations. This does not mean that all of their words and behaviors should be excused – taking personal accountability is important. But please understand that, at times, your partner simply cannot help themselves – that’s when they need your support the most.

Don’t Underestimate Each Other’s Burdens

Having bipolar and supporting someone with bipolar are difficult fates. Bipolar can leave a trail of hurt feelings and broken relationships in its wake. Understand that this is hard for both of you – the caregiver and the one who needs care. Don’t say things like “Well, at least you don’t have bipolar!” unless you want to damage the bond between you. And don’t expect perfection on either end. You will screw up and that’s OK.

Don’t Disparage Your Partner and Their Efforts

This goes for both of you. Give each other some grace. Respect each other’s hard work, no matter how little progress has been made. Often, one of you will have to carry a heavier weight than the other. Speak well of one another and praise each attempt at being better. Notice and reward effort even if it doesn’t have the intended impact. You’re both making a huge investment into the future of your relationship – show some pride!

Don’t Ignore It – It Won’t Just “Go Away”

As already mentioned, bipolar disorder is forever. But relationship problems resulting from it don’t have to be. By addressing the issue head on, you will end up being ahead of the curve. Ignore them at your peril – remember the statistics and get real about coming up with a strategy to support one another.

Don’t Be Afraid to Ask for Help

Sometimes, only professional help will do. This is especially true if you let these issues stew for a while. Asking for help with bipolar does not mean you have somehow failed at your relationship. It means you are serious about keeping the love and bringing back the peace. Couples therapy – especially with a therapist experienced with bipolar disorder – can be the difference between making it or not.

***

We offer therapy for bipolar disorder for individuals and couples both in-person and online - please reach out for details.