7 Things Couples Fight About the Most

It’s been decided – you are finally going to couples therapy. The fighting has gotten out of control: neither of you feels heard and understood no matter how hard you yell or how fast you walk away. Every conflict goes from 0 to 60 in five seconds because you both know how to push each other’s buttons really well by now.

You don’t mean to hurt one another, yet it always happens as you fight over the same thing again and again. But what are you fighting about, exactly? It is likely one of the 7 popular topics in couples conflict, as discovered by a study on disagreements in romantic relationships.

Too Little Attention and Affection

A lack of appreciation, physical touch, compliments, kissing, and cuddling can cause a fair share of conflict. Couples may fight about these issues specifically or simply use them as barbs during unrelated fights. “Well, you never touch me anymore!” can be thrown around during any argument and be equally hurtful for both partners. Not receiving attention from a partner can trigger feelings of resentment and activate fears of abandonment.

Research shows that couples who divorce satisfy their partner’s need for connection only 33% of the time, but couples who stay together respond to each other’s requests for attention almost 90% of the time. Noticing those little requests – or “bids for connection” – is key. Your partner may be asking you to just watch a funny dog video with them, but inside, they are craving your full attention and an appreciation of their humor.

Sex and Intimacy

Frequency of sex or one partner not wanting sex at all are common causes of conflict in couples. Same goes for the nature of sex acts themselves – partners tend to fight about what will or won’t be done in bed. Of course, consent is the number one rule here – no partner should be expected to engage in a kink or an activity they do not like.

Intimacy issues are some of the hardest challenges in relationships because they affect our bodily autonomy and involve feeling unwanted or rejected. An unfulfilling sex life can easily break up a relationship, especially when it is coupled with the lack of affection described above. Want better sex? Cuddle more! One study showed that out of couple who do not cuddle, only 6% have a good sex life.

Chores

This one is a classic. Who will do the dishes and fold the laundry? What about yard work? And don’t even start about groceries and cooking. Gender roles come into play a lot in this one. Many people come into a relationship with pre-determined views on who should be in charge of certain tasks, and it can be hard to change habits and minds.

Couples don’t just fight about who is doing which chores – they also fight about how those chores should be done. A common complaint in couples therapy is that the partner did not perform a household task to one’s satisfaction. Interestingly, these conflicts happen around the globe: a study of American, British, Russian, Chinese, and Turkish couples found that partners argue about chores equally across cultures.

Money

Finances are a huge source of conflict for many couples in therapy, and it’s easy to see why. Not only does money drastically affect anyone’s quality of life, the way we deal with money is usually heavily influenced by how we were raised. Therefore, money is not just about dollar signs, it can also be a symbol of emotional connection or control, depending on the circumstances.

When our partner criticizes or attacks the way we spend – or save – they are unintentionally attacking our families and our personalities, too. Words like “shallow,” materialistic,” “wasteful,” and “greedy” get thrown around and, before you know it, there is a full-blown fight about how the next paycheck should be used.

Free Time

Beliefs about time and how to spend it can cause a rift between partners. One of you may see “free time” as “chore time,” the other might want to lay on the couch browsing social media, blissfully disconnected from the world. Inevitably, minor irritation grows into sizeable anger over who gets to do what and when. If only one partner works, the person staying at home often expects them to come back soon after work to spend time together while the working partner may want to go out with coworkers or come home but be alone.

Couples also fight about whose hobbies get more “airtime” on the weekends – is it going to be gardening or mountain-climbing? Finally, there is the extrovert/introvert divide. Extroverted partners generally want more together time and social outings, while introverts predictably want to spend time “alone together” at home.

Cheating and Jealousy

This one seems obvious – of course couples would fight about infidelity! However, this conflict goes beyond clear cases of cheating such as having an affair. It also includes situations where one partner gets mad or suspicious without reason about the other talking to an ex or staying out later than expected. It starts treading the issue of control and dominance – consider a situation where one partner wants to limit what the other partner is wearing because of jealousy.

Snooping and stalking are another cause of conflict, especially if there is no reason to suspect infidelity. Privacy is invaded, and trust is broken by these behaviors, which often have their origins in family history and past hurts. Infidelity and jealousy issues often require couples therapy before being resolved.

In-laws and Children

Not everyone decides to get married and have children, but most people have to deal with their partner’s family to some extent. And if you are married with children, conflict is probably very familiar to you – a whopping 67% of couples report becoming unhappy in the first three years of their child’s life. The in-law situation is even worse: 75% of couples report significant conflict with their in-laws, which then spills over into their relationship. This is another delicate issue often best left to a professional. A lot of hurt feelings and broken expectations can revolve around children and families of origin, and it can be incredibly hard to see the forest for the trees.

That’s a lot of reasons to fight! You may ask how couples can ever hope for their relationship to survive these troubled waters. The truth is, conflict itself is not what breaks up long-term relationships. It’s how partners conduct themselves during conflict that matters. It is possible to have an argument without fighting, but you have to know how. Some couples are naturally great at having a conversation instead of a battle, but many people did not have good examples growing up.

his is where couples therapy really pays off – it won’t stop you from fighting, but it will completely change how you do it. Can you imagine staying calm and using soft language instead of criticism to hash things out? A lot of couples can’t until they go to therapy and learn proper skills. Can’t afford therapy? Try reading this book (it’s great for all relationships, not just marriage) and commit to making a change.

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